blah-ging

blogging is confusing. i accidentely made two blogs and then spent forever trying to delete one. im kind of trying to think about who im going to give this blog adress to and what that means i can write in here. i thought it would be funny to write down some of my expectations for tanzania so even if i forget i have this blog while im there i can come back in six months and laugh at how wrong i was about stuff. I'll be staying with Deus Cosmos, who i met while he was visiting California. I asked him what differed from what he expected about America and what he found and he said he expected there would be no open spaces, everything would be paved. which is a funny expectation. i dont know that i expect very much. he said musoma is about the size of SLO but i picture it being dustier and livelier. I can picture myself going to a club and being really uncomfortable and out of place, or playing soccer in a feild with Deus and his friends in the evening and getting bit by mosquitos and me being really bad at soccer. He says they're going to throw a party for me when I come and I can picture ...i dont know.. twenty people standing around with a little bbq cooking me some sort of meat and my swahili being embarrisingly bad. I expect I'll end up eating meat because it isn't such a big deal to me that I would alienate myself or offend someone by not eating it. I expect I'll get sick and that I'll forget about the water and brush my teeth with it a few times. In Gautemala I took a lot of stupid risks with the water, and sometimes I just didn't even think about what I was doing. I can't really picture myself working a job or washing my own clothes down in the river. I can picture Deus living in a small house with white walls, drinking a beer at night and I can picture a bunch of 50 year old tourists and me being hasseled every time I go to the market by the vendors. I really hope I'm not hasseled by the vendors for six months, dear god. really i dont know what to expect, i guess i can expect to see giraffes and hippos and elaphants and maybe lions and to see mt. kilimanjaro and to run out of sunscreen and get a few bad sunburns.
it is really frustrating for the past two weeks all i hear is:
where are you going? oh really, are you excited?
normally i say yes even though its not like i feel super excited, it feels like im not even leaving for six months and then they ask
oh, so what are you doing there?
really, for how long? SIX MONTHS?? oh jeez
yes! im going for six months!
actually normally i just say, well i can change my plane ticket and come home early if i want to for 50 bucks. i really do consider that a great option but considering we've spent all told about 3000 getting me there with all my supplies i dont really want to come home early, what a horrible waste. of course if i need to i wont let that stop me...
i cant seem to think of anything ive done for six months, what an incredibely long amount of time. i imagine ill come back and be tan and be all different and maybe more mature and it will be really interesting to see where people are in their lives.
im kind of nervous. there is always a lot to worry about, but i read the most likely way to die when visiting tanzania is in an automobile accident. i mean i can believe it when you consider what reckless drivers people are in a lot of other countries (passing on narrow, windy roads at high speeds type stuff) but I'm not really too worried about that. i don't think im going to die, although I am afraid of: HIV, malaria, being eaten alive every night by mosquitos, being really uncomfortable/out of place, not getting along with Deus since he is so extroverted and gregarious, drinking too much to deal with feeling uncomfortable, not being understood that well because of language differences, making a fool of myself a lot, being homesick, being judged as a stuck-up american, missing american conveinces (washing machines, subway sandwhiches, shit like that), the heat being unbearable, skin cancer from tons of sunburns, getting really painfully sick with the flu or something and not having my mom around or the comfort of my own toliet to puke in or a good doctor nearby, im going to be overwhelmed by all the people i have to keep in contact with and do a bad job of writing to everyone (oh well they can just read my blog), probably fears im forgetting, and that i will come back and be so opened up to a new way of life that ill have trouble adjusting back to a passive american life and not really giving a shit about anybody or helping out, like i wont just be able to sit on the couch and enjoy my friends because half my mind will be over there thinking about how priveleged I am to be able to do nothing. its almost like im afraid to be woken up. but im also afraid to be woken up, come back and let myself fall back asleep. its complicated.
whatever, my papa gave me some money for the trip today. i have 3000 dollars of my own, my lifes saving. im going to be broke when i come back. ive whittled down everything i own so that it all fits in an oak chest you could keep at the foot of your bed except for my stereo and keyboard that is. theres so much to do and yet im spending much of my last days doing nothing!
this is enough..
if anyone reads this........... you just wasted ten minutes :)