steph goes to africa

A Note About This Blog

2010-01-17T18:55:00.000-08:00

This is the blog I kept when I stayed in Tanzania for 4 1/2 months last year. To make sense of it you need to click on the first month and start reading at the bottom of the page, working your way forwards. I don't believe I ever explain in the blog, but I was staying with an African friend Deus and his family. I met Deus on the train while he was visiting the US to present at schools about the organization he worked for. Deus worked for Roots and Shoots, which is part of The Jane Goodall Institute, as a Regional Coordinator. He convinced me to take on a volunteer project of my own while I was in Tanzania. I started the Musoma Girls Library Program, which provides 100 underpriveleged girls with library memberships and some tutoring help. I also never clarified but Juliana is still working on the project now that I'm back and shes done a lot with it that I never would have been able to so I apologize for any posts that talk about firing her.
Also the first month or two of posts from Tanzania are a little sporadic and grumpy. I was really homesick and culture shocked when I arrived and I got a little depressed and bitter and wasn't acting like myself at all or even really aware of what I was doing. So keep that in mind if it seems kind of inconsistent.
I honestly don't know why I'm writing this since noone looks at this blog anymore, but I just thought if anyone wanted to visit it in the future, hopefully this would clear some things up.
Stephanie :)

this fucking nauseasness sucks

2008-11-13T14:54:00.000-08:00

its seriously kicking my ass. this will be the second attempt to get all the photos up that fails. its coming soon. ive only got about 5 more i want up and then i'll give this blog up to the web to swallow forever. it was nice seeing my friends and that zach and michael came to greet me. i'd blog about africa but its kind of hard when you're not there. my rooms fucking awesome now. it has a rug. and my mom bought a goose. not in the room.... i'd blog about my cat but who likes people who blog about their cats seriously. enough is enough. quit reading and scroll.

me, the old lady is called Bibi, okay all old ladies are called Bibi i dont know what im talking about, she smokes cigarettes indoors and always tried to bum 20 or 30 cents off me, she works for this family looking after their kid while they're at work, their kids the one on my lap, John, Stans on Bibis lap, don't know why he's in there. mama john in purple and baba john with the closed eyes. Johnny calls me vanny. and sta calls me shet-daaanny.
me, kalole and odangya. not spelled right. odangayas a goofball.

the bathroom/showers
the bed next to mine, alternating sleepers between nangetta, jane and vicky.
that would be mine (and mamaSta and Stans bed) buckets are filled with water. everyones got so much stuff and theres so many people with so little room everyones things are packed into suitcases they never unpack that reach the ceilings.
Dia and my mchumba Maliki
"library of the region"
gates of book paradise
damn they're rushing and shoving to get to the camera

like i said, its all green
is this what they learn in class?
or in life?

a girl getting her photo shot for the library ID card down the block from the library
my girls reading at the library.
and when the tables fill up they sit at the walls in chairs.
the pots a shinin. kind of a stupid picture. the front of mamajohns hoteli (hoteli means restaurant in Swahili not hotel, go figure)
library
no one got it.
i cant remember if ive posted this one. a darn near empty butchers
3 3/4s of the girls waiting in line to get their picture taken for the library ID cards
me and stanley. no im not biting him
really shitty night time myspace shoot wih me and the kids. you can turn my camera around so you see what its taking a picture of, i.e.. see it take a picture of you and the kids were all about that, johnnys a few months older and more clued in, he'd be like 'hey look theres Stan and hey look theres johnny', and stan would just look and be like 'hey look theres a kid!"
yeah i do actually do work. sort of, of course i could have just been writing daily crap spews sort of like this blog but more trivial. i do that a lot
i took this picture because something in the back of my head told me there would come a day when i would be amazed that this was what i considered a very nice, very clean bathroom. this is top end shitting.
vicky cooking indoors, must of'v been a rainy day.
mhmmm thats how it looks pretty much, bathing cooking cleaning
thats vicky
ok ready go
that ferocious look is an oddly captured yawn. and thats the Stan lets go find you since pants motion.
i dont know why, i looked up and thought this would be a cool picture.
another of the home in mwanza. more rocks.
what you see when you step out the front door in mwanza...
and finally the bathroom there about 100 feet off from the house. im really in love with the whole place.
one view from the home in the rocks in mwanza, like i said 12 bucks a month guys.
this is mamaagus and mamatajis business: gutting the fish
and then cooking em
the white home is the one where i was sleeping. this totally doesnt depict how high up it is. those pointy rocks in the background have a wandering goat family on them.
i like zebras the best.

the prize banana

2008-11-13T02:09:00.000-08:00

like i said, its green, theres rocks. rents cheap. foods cheap. lifes hard. weeds cheap. lets go!

the price of banana. oh sheesh.
im here. that'd be home. and my hair smells like shampoo which is something i absolutely do not know what to do about. except maybe smile. because after 4 months and 11 days with want of a nice conditioner, to use one and feel that prickly dead hair on the back of your neck at night turn into silk is like a dream. im not exactly departed from america nor arrived here. nor do i think i was ever truly arrived there. i took my shower and i kept all the water in the bottom of the tub for a while (or maybe its still there ?) because it seemed like such a shame to lose so much water. i asked myself questions such as "where in the world does the heat in this water come from?" (first hot shower in 4 months is a big deal) and "does anyone know how many buckets this could fill?". oh lord.
my cousin said the culture shock could last a week. i week of soaking up all this excess. after that awkward open mouthed crawlspeedstroll through the entire airport in Amsterdam and then sitting down to weep in public about things like lollipops and stuffed bears and that stupid donate your pennies to the orphans box. you know the pennies left over from buying yourself an extra souvenir, and hey why not a bottle of whiskey and a oprah book club book you'll never finish. all the more pennies. i cried today in a room filled with more people than have probably ever seen me cry in my entire life. If the whole airport counts as a room.
America = Enough ++
Library books, birth control, dolls or even food are not going to balance this world out. If a continent could sink by the weight of its own feasts and excess I'd have had nowhere to land. This would have all sunk into the ocean, as it should.
I read most of my blog a few days ago. Everything but the most current month, in order. I realized only how little I'd actually exposed when i thought it had been so much and also an ass i sound like.
I left on 11/11. i guess im lucky. wait i know im lucky.
It dawned on me yesterday how controlled an airplane environment is. We are all so soulless and sleepless we never even notice. It(wa)s my secret belief that they keep the air conditioning on because they have some company policy that they have to throw away all the pillows and blankets from every flight whether opened or not. instead of letting themselves feel really wasteful they just try and make you really cold. It also occurred to me that they turned on the lights at some ungodly hour, not because now a decent majority of the populace was awake but because now, somewhere on their schedules it was penciled in "feeding time". So we are all baby birds inside this mother bird waiting for her to puke up stale biscuits from the depths of her very controlled and cold bowels so we can grunt, wrap ourselves in our little blankeys and got back to sleep. note to self: cynicism doesn't win you any friends.
Any seedlings of ideas that I held in my stomach that justice was a real thing died today in the Schiperol Airport. I saw all the toys set out for Christmas. All the white angel babies in outfits that cost 3 weeks dinner whos parents would surely buy them all these toys. I thought of Chausiku, whos got to be about 5. How she doesn't eat every morning, how she wears rags, how she wont go to school and how she begged me please just send me one dolly. one dolly, two hotwheels for the boys and a plastic gun for Kili. better than Christmas. What is this shit? How do we really live in this world?
I encountered more in that airport then a beautiful African child can dream of in his life. here the fat use machines to help them walk. The excess is a big stinking bag of waste. It felt like watching a rape. How can I/we be a part of this. Fuck enough of this quiet bystander shit. I don't want to swallow any of this world as the way it is. I dont want to swallow this any more than I do tree branch welts. Let my anger find me soon.
Anarchy seemed absolutely urgent this morning. Strolling the airport, looking at the everyman, his rich coat and I thought - he doesnt even know. He certainly didn't decide this world "order" The leaders made it this way. Every president we've ever had and Afrikas still throwing all their chips at Obama. Voting is being a pillar that supports the way the world works. Or you do it every day in a hundred other ways.
I went to Africa and so much of me was always somewhere else. Now its gone from me and it feels my skins been ripped off.
Forgiveness is a load of crap. I want to tear down this society with one hand and build up theres with another. I want to send enough dollies for Chau and every girl on that street. I should have sent Stan back here instead of myself. We disguise how well we rob Africa, so well the African can gawk at all we have, where did it all come from? Your soil! We're just stock pilling our selection of your soil.
A sign in the airport warned me of the lurking CCTVs. So good to be back in the land of big brother, always on my side. I couldn't help but wonder, are the cameras in the Christmas trees? He knows if you've been sleeping, he knows if you're awake, he knows if you gave your pennies to the orphans or just bought yourself a bagel. This place is a landslide.
Theres not a lot in an airport to ease roaring compassion: I can read a book by the Dali Lama, or donate my nickels to orphans. There is a lot to fill the hole in me where all my sins should be - booze, hoarding, cigarettes, diamonds, gluttony, sex - okay maybe not sex- but aren't Ads porn? A fake blond woman surveyed me today. The point being to see how much stuff I bought, I think (like are all these swirly dizzying ads enough or should we up it a notch?) I must have failed. I said I had no money to even buy food. "Ha!" was the response I got. Let me be here just long enough to gather my friends and then we will leave again.
We must be so cheap. rich and cheap. shallow as a puddle. The flat puddles out on the tarmac. I thought I was going to cry of happiness to get back to all this Convience and Choices (Laziness and Excess).
I'm afraid I've swallowed it. When I first arrived I feared to take my ipod out of my ears (yeah i see the irony) Had to hear the same Wooden Wand songs over and over becuase there seemed to be no other option. Once in the pause between songs I heard "She really sprayed him with perfume?!? Oh brother!" A family joking but at the time I didn't understand any of the words so i just walked slower and hated more. Maybe hate is a heavy thing. I dont really know for now its all gone out of me. In the airport before sunrise, crying and raving up a storm. Flipping off Jack Johnson on the radio, George Bush on the TV and Barbie smiling in the shop window. And now its all gone. Although my hungers still here. I'll give it a month to see if my soul dries out like a raisin under the burning sun of greedy capitalism and a hundred billion automobiles.

i had planned to add a lot more pictures. but since i first arrived ive had that extreme salivating going on that happens only just before you puke, it comes it goes, right now its here. no puke yet, i dont think theres anything any me. two days of airplane food? or two days without sleep? is the pain in my stomach really only hunger still? looking into a cabinet and realizing i can just take something made and eat it without any effort is still to mind boggeling to participate in, although i things will eventually resolve themselves on a side that makes my belly happy.
goodnight.

woah

2008-11-09T08:40:00.000-08:00

im coming home. im not sure i get it. but here i am with my plane ticket, my stupid souveniors, my taxi coming at 9:30 am, half an hour early in case theres traffic, my pictures, a slightly full belly, completely full bags. all so very strange. do i really have to go?
whatever. i'll process it all sometime next month.

things fall into utter confusion

2008-11-08T06:26:00.000-08:00

so i went to the library today, mainly just to return my books and say goodbye and they informed me that for two days students had showed up, like 40 of them waiting for someone to pay for their memberships (that would be Juliana) and noone came. its kind of like getting slapped in the face. none of the schools are done except the one i did myself.
this might be overreacting. yeah she visited two schools and told the kids to come but then she wasnt there, so maybe something came up, as it seems to do with her and she'll finish it. i was talking to Deus's sister about the problem and she offered to do all the work getting the kids the memberships. I was going to give it to her until Deus mentioned (yeah he waited til now to mention it) that hes already given Juliana the 300 so dollars of the memberships for the 4 schools remaining. So we just have to wait while she does it at snail pace. The memberships are one year from the day you buy it so one schools going to be renewed like a month before the others. And Julianas phone isn't working today (Okay thats not her fault as much as just a common Tanzanian thing).
Deus doesn't seem to realize I dont have the resources or experience to conduct this thing really professionally. If I could just buy the memberships/photos and then leave it alone until next year I'd be totally happy. Seeing as just getting the memberships is taking so fucking long. STRESS.
That being said after this month Juliana is fired. I'll ask Deus's sister to stop by once a month and see if the visitors books full, leave her some money to buy new ones, leave her the librarians phone number, leave her my email and this time next year we'll find someone to check all the records and renew the memberships. Deus made the point we need someone to check it because how would we even know if a student died, which almost got me for a minute but then i thought, sometimes you feel the like the information you have is important but what will you do with it other than know it. This would be a case of that kind of information. Okay a students dead. Thats pretty horrible. I'm glad we paid someone 500 dollars this year so that we know this now instead of October. not happening. I'm sorry if this disappoints any of the donors. The memberships will get bought. Photos will be taken. Julianas will be given notice. The extra money we've raised will be used next year. Books will be read. Basi (thats enough).

DJ youre fired

2008-11-07T23:48:00.000-08:00

so i had this great idea to save hundreds of dolllars. i want to fire that lady we hired to look after my project and then email me every month to say if the kids are coming. for one thing Deus informed me yesterday she doesn't have an email. not to mention shes flaky and slow and i dont have a lot of faith in her. i'll pay her to finish up this month. i dont even think all the schools have been done and i was sure they would be while i was in kigoma... last week. what do we need someone checking every month, lets just relax and then pay someone nicely to go through and tally everything and visit the schools this time next year. the project isn't going to be sustainable if we're using all this money on someone every month.
i havent actually talked to deus about this yet. hes hard to get a hold of.
hopefully hes working on getting my ticket today. yesterday they said the bus was full. so it might be go a day late a risk it if theres a breakdown or stand up the whole day in the bus aisle. both sound awful but im a worrier so i'd rather stand.
i took pictures with everyone this morning so i'll come home and show you all.
see you so veryvery soon,
steph

to one and all

2008-11-06T01:56:00.000-08:00

all my emails i try to send are coming back as delivery failures. it isnt just me

parts one and two

2008-11-05T07:34:00.000-08:00

Okay so the whole idea of stopping a blog about a trip before the trip was actually over thinking that this would somehow enhance my enjoyment of the trip more was a little stupid.
half the news of today of course doesn't come from Afrika but from Amerika and my feeling a little melancoloy that i was on this particular continent for the month of November, missing both my moms huge birthday party and todays (or is it yesterday there?) election. By the time the election wrapped up it here it was 6 a.m. When I left to take a bucket shower Obama was at 207 and when I came back and they were broadcasting a win I actually didn't believe it. I mean the news shows have called it wrong before and ive only lived long enough to hold interest in two elections and one of them just so happened to be one where they called it wrong. my brains not doing well with consiceness right now. I realize that torwards the end i got unreasonably stubborn. If people asked who i liked here i regretted those who nothing about the candidates but all supported Obama for his African background so I said I didn't like either of them and that they were infact very similiar. I half believe it too. I was pretty avid for Obama in the beginning but then he moved all center on me and I'm damn hopeless libral and frankly i thought it was lame. Plus who likes feeling like they're being coined by someone whos just a smooth talker. I was so stubborn I didn't vote. Actually okay I dont know if I could, it would have taken extra effort but the point is I didnt. But then I watched Obama win today, and I watched him talk, which is something I rarely do because I mainly just read the news and I must felt a surge of happiness almost almost comparable to that floaty feeling I got when I realized I was rid of high school for the rest of my life. That fact and that we now have a black president are two facts I'm still not used to or sure what to make of. That being said, except getting to watch a really good speaker more often, and our world image going up, I dont really much change, at all.
Also in politics I heard the name Al Franken brought up this morning which was totally unpredicatable as last week in Mwanza I bought his book "Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat, idiot" for two dollars. I could do a lot of apologizing for buying a book with such a stupid name but I'm going to say it was slightly funny if outdated and tedious and at least my mom will really like it. I read today that they're actually doing a recount in his election.
Also I still dont know the outcome of prop 8! and whether my parents ever voted for me on that. someone send me the memo once its out whats happening with that.
To top of this day me and Deus, mkali and odanga all went to serengetti. It cost me a little under three hundred dollars for about 8 hours of my life, which is a fact I hope I never repeat to myself again because it is so utterly devastating to my mental health. I saw all sorts of things. Scary bugs that make you puff up, hippos playing, a lion clutching a tree during a nap, wildebeast, scores of zebra. It wasn't worth that much money. I'll tell you that. but it was cool and i would have regretted it had I not done it. Parts of it were like a tug of war, it seemed like we got there and Deus and everyone was ready to turn around and im like, do you have any idea how much this cost me, i plan to stay here til this place closes. Deus can be a brick wall sometimes, or pesky mosquito... "okay okay were not going yet, but look rains coming.. and this is a horrible road and do you know how far back the gate is and look how much gas there is and blah blah blah." They tell me im a difficult person, but ... okay maybe thats just true.
I was a guest of honor at something at the library yesterday and mangoes are back in season. my mom sent me an email that said "I have planned your Xmas present trip. It will be before Christmas, on the 12th -15th of December, it involves a road trip and hiking in a beautiful spot during a full moon period, I think you are going to love it."
I think I am going to love it.
but I also think the internet cafe is closing and I'm falling asleep. See everyone in just a few days and dont be suprised if im all overly excited and jumpy and a bit weepy because im damn homesick.
steph

so it really is

2008-10-29T03:54:00.000-07:00

http://perl.kamusiproject.org/cgi-bin/main.cgi?right_frame_src=http%3A//perl.kamusiproject.org/cgi-bin/lookup.cgi%3FWord%3Djamba%26EngP%3D0%26SUBMIT2%3DLook+Up

alright, someone tell that to jamba juice.
this is all (i hope) until i get home and then i'll put some pictures up of this awesome house i stayed in, in Mwanza up very high on this mountain of rocks with a view of everything below and probably some others and such and such things. etc. goodbye.

another

2008-10-29T03:15:00.000-07:00

me and the neighbours, Juma, his wife MamaAshula and Ashula
Thats my, "yeah I'll show you I know how to hold a baby" face

ok i lied, but only pictures from now on

2008-10-27T01:20:00.000-07:00

me and the fam in kigoma, im finally back to sally mia and say goodbye. ngollos the one to the left of me.

detox

2008-10-25T04:42:00.000-07:00

this blog is done.

to put an end to things: in 20 days she was home, in 25 days she was swallowing the last of her malaria pills, in 30 all the things she had daydreamed about had come true and after 40 days and 40 nights she was living happily ever after.

bunker down and dig in

2008-10-21T00:53:00.000-07:00

so yesterday i went to the laboratory and they subjected me to every possible test they could dream up (although i don't believe they did perform the "occult blood in stool" test (and for only two dollars!)). First the poked me and smeared my blood on a number of various objects for purposes beyond my grasp, after they sent me to the toilet with a little jar and a matchbox. The little jar was simple enough, pee in it right? Well once I'd finished thus I went back to the lobby carrying my little matchbox wondering what in the world its purpose was, and drawing some strange looks for other sickeys. After a good two hours or so once the place had all but emptied out I went back and asked what gives and they said 'well stephanie wheres your stool sample?'. i looked my little matchbox over again.. i was beginning to see the light. This wasn't the end though, now they had to draw a whole siringe full of blood! oh deary I got limp as a noodle. In the end i didn't have malaria, I didn't have Typhoid, I didn't have parasites, wasn't protien deficeint and wasn't dying. I had a bad case of food posioning. two days later and the only remaining hints are a stiff neck and the fact that I actually woke up late today (7 something!)
Yesterday was also the day I put my foot down on waiting around for someone to help with my project, whether to translate or to coordinate or so on. I visited the last three schools, I went to the Head of Education to keep them posted, I got a letter showing the prices of the membership fees, scanned it and sent it to this school in NY who wants to help fundraise, and most importantly completed the buying of 18 memberships and ID photos with the girls from Morembe yesterday. All by my lowensome.
Today I woke up, exhausted, but got myself to return to a school I'd visited yesterday while the HeadMisteress was out and make my proposal. All five schools have now agreed to find the girls for me and I have appointments every day this week. Today I need to buy the visitors book the girls will sign into when they visit the Library for our records and go back to see who comes today to get their cards since their photos should be done this afternoon. The fact that two didn't even show from Morembe hasn't fazed me at all.
This has got to be doing something good for my mental health because yesterday I sat on my ass forever, going 'ya i'll go to all the schools, but oh hey look my soap operas on TV and oh my god he really is sleeping with that 15 year old, i'll have to go a little bit later! (as a matter of fact it was a very funny episode that ended with the classic line "where did you take my daughter last night?" "to a cheap motel, what did you expect?") but anyways no dilly-dallying today! I up and went without a bit of hesitation, positive that the job could be done by me and me alone. This relization, not that i can dronelessy work, but that I can lead something and create something and get it done, is probably worth doing a shit ton of work with a stiff neck and sore stomach for no pay.
Not to mention when the girls come up and thank me after.

shit

2008-10-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

so i might have malaria. i lolled around in bed all day yesterday trying not to puke or to puke, moan/singing the song of a sore stomach, with a 100 degree fever, really quite pathetic overall. Deus is out of town and i had no money, i had 50 cents to get a little water bottle because i figured the dehydration couldn't be helping. my friends tried to be nice and buy me some eggs but they bought eggs for 5 cents when they're normally 20, and low and behold the eggs they bought were worthless baby chickens. i spilled one on the ground to look at it and everyone got really mad because apparently they smell bad so then i spilled water on it and everyone got really mad i was spilling water in the sand. i say!
anyways after this im going to go let them poke me and try my blood out to see if them mosquitoes finally got me.

dont lose your shoes

2008-10-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

so my shoes broke on the way here when some ladys kid was yelling 'mzungu' at me and i turned around to look and tripped on something and there went my shoes. the lady whos kid it was lent me hers to wear here but i swear she has baby feet so i gave up half way here and carried them. you wouldn't believe what a scene that caused. a whole dalla-dalla full of guys pulled over on the side of the road next to me to make a scene. after this im giong to buy some of those masaii sandles. one buck, isn't a bad price.
other than that, today im trying to figure shit outtttt. i have a lot of work on monday and also a train ticket to kigoma tomorrow (sunday), the girl who has been doing the work with me went missing in action days ago and Deus is in Mwanza i think until after I'm back. so unless Deus agrees to be here monday and do the work I can't go and I really do want to go.
I got two letters yesterday which was really nice. Why the hell haven't I heard from my parents though? oh well not much is new except the time is running out here and I'm pretty sure I'm just going to go ahead and go to Serengetti. Its the price of the car, anywhere between 150 and 200 per day that really kills me but what this is the one chance i get right...

piggers

2008-10-16T00:06:00.000-07:00

i have washed my hair about 3 times since I've been here and its gnarly. someone get me some deep conditioner as a coming home present, please.

mmmmmmmmmm, fish

mmmmmmmmm, beef

is it happiness or anxiety?

2008-10-15T09:31:00.000-07:00

i baked some really good cookies yesterday.
i did the math and i lived ten days off 34 dollars, not bad.
i'm looking forward to going home now.

i heard on the news people are dying in LA

2008-10-14T08:19:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd try out a bit of irony.
although I did really hear that on the news... it appears the place turned into an inferno or something.
And it turns out they aren't dying here. After I wrote about Tarime I actually looked it up online. The story goes like this, when I was in Kigoma there was this MP (kind of like a congressman) from the minority party that was killed in a very suspicious car accident. His family and I'm sure others suspected foul play. This week it was time for the election to replace him and people were getting really into it. I've seen a few people go up to Tarime to get their family members out of there. Lots of police with water houses and at least 100 people hurt in fights, but no actual deaths. Amerika apparently sent some people in to keep an eye on the situation. Anyways the opposition party (i.e. minority) won the election. (this countrys only ever had 4 presidents, since the 1960s when they got independence and they've all been from one party). So yesterday there was lots of flag waving and people yelling at police cars and harrasing people at the newspaper stands where all the Tarime news could be had. It was a nice feeling in the air once I realized noone was actually dying and people were actually pumped about something like a congressman when most people in the US couldn't even name theirs.
Also I visited to schools yesterday for the project and it went wonderfully. The first school said to return Thursday and they'll have the list of girls (we're taking 20 from 5 seperate schools) and the next school said they'll call us when they have the list. I would have gone today but its a holiday (it turns out siku kuu doesn't mean the last day of Ramaddon, it just means holiday, unless its the last day of Rammadon again. did anyone notice I spelled that two dif. ways?...) Anyways tomorrow we are going to the last three schools. I've been visiting the schools with this teacher woman Juliana and I started noticing she was paying for everything but as far as i knew she wasn't getting anything out of helping me so I went to talk to Deus when I got back. As Deus put it, shes taking over the project when I leave and........ he told her we're going to pay her 50 dollars a month! Where in the world am I going to get 50 dollars a month!?!??!. Deus brought this up before that we needed to pay the volunteer who would be checking the library records and reporting to me and I said we absolutely couldn't pay someone 50 dollars a month and I'd like to find a volunteer, so what does he do, he tells someone we're paying them 50 a month and fails to even mention it to me!!!!!!! I don't even know where to get the money for this month. Deus says he's going to give me the contacts for a girl scout troup in, oh dear I forget where, Nebraska or something who will help fund this program, and he better because he got me into a mess without even letting me know I was in the middle of it. He's such a wonderful procrastinator though, he couldn't come to the internet this morning/afternoon to give me their email because the sun was too hot and he was watching TV and he couldn't come now because he's going to go walk around town. If he doesn't come tomorrow I'll have to slap him again,... which is another story, of high school epic drama proportions I won't even get into. Lets just say someone got a little (lot) butt-hurt during a play fight that turned sour.
and its not me.
dear I hope this blog doesn't become a problem as my project becomes more proffesional or what have you... like people start reading it and realize I'm not really even sure what I'm doing with this project and like my mom said, most people who do this have been to college. Right now I just want it done and over with because I back out of stuff I want to do so much it will be great to prove to myself I can do this.
enough said.

you'd think

2008-10-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

after growing up in the world of technological immersion i would have learned the one time you probably shouldn't blog or text or write something down for others to see that can't be quickly altered or deleted is when you're actually upset because you tend to trump up the charges a bit and then you just feel foolish reading over it. first off, deus and his mzungu ran out of time so they only shot the video around here and didn't make it to serengetti. secondly the Africa i dreamed of as a little girl isn't Serengetti and probably doesn't exsist anymore (thanks bible-thumpers).
I don't know if its in the news (doubting it) but theres been some killings about 2 hours north of here in Tarime. This countrys only ever had 4 free elections and the same party has won every time. The president right now is more a friend of big companies than little farmers and with the election coming up in 2010 people are starting to throw around words and some people have been killed. Bibi warned me not to walk in the streets today but Bibis always a little more worried than she needs to be. You can still talk (yell,shout so on) politics in the streets without creating too much of a rucus.
Hopefully I finish here and get to visit a school today. I've been reading this book that I originally didn't know was Chrisitan literature about the Feast of Fools which I think merges in history with May Day and also just about Festivity and Fantasy in life and then another about colonilizin. Lots of thoughts on it but not enough time to elaborate. Hope everyones well. I finally forced Zach to email me. Now if only Everett would again. I'm here, daydreaming and reading and occasionally leaving the front yard.

Deusi ni mtu mbovu kabisa

2008-10-11T00:25:00.000-07:00

akia Mungu. akirudi, nitampiga.
honestly i dont really know whats up with Deus but I'm really fucking bummed out today. This guy came from America with the Discovery Channel to make a show about some of Deus's projects. I could have gone back to Kigoma already to see my friends but I told Deus I really want to see this Discovery Channel thing and come along. The guy whos doing the filming is only here three or four days. The first day Deus didn't wake me up because he figured I was tired. Yesterday I went and it was pretty cool (see all attacthed photos). Today I woke up early, got completely ready and waited in front of the house for Deus for hours before deciding he wasn't coming. My guess is that he got drunk last night, woke up late and decided he didn't have time to stop by his Grandmas and get me. I'm really angry and bummed and all kinds of lame emotionallllls. This wouldn't be as bad if they wern't going to Serengetti today. Deus knows I don't have money for a car to Serengetti and I won't get a chance to go and one oppurtionity comes along for me to go and he prevents me from going. I don't even know what to do about it. Serengetti is like the Africa I've been dreaming about seeing since I was a little kid and I thought I might really go. Deus has this weird thing when he gets guests he isolates them. When Kate came he kept her at Tembo (i.e. tourist) beach all day and I hardly saw her even though she told me she wanted to spend time with his family and see more of the day to day living. Yesterday he didn't even tell me they were going to Serengetti, he just said him and Brian (the Discovery guy) had work that wouldn't involve me or Elizabeth (Deus's sister, we were carrying Brians equipement) and it was Brian who mentioned they were going to Serengetti. I think Deus believes Brian doesn't want us to go or wants to go himself. He tries to do things to please his guests without asking them what they want first. and everytime someone new shows up here he just acts like I don't exsist. These last few weeks I sit at home all day and I don't even see him, I have trouble getting any of my project done. If I don't get the work done on my project next week I know its not going to get done and I'm going to leave for Kigoma or another city. It's just fucking ridiculous and I'm really not happy. I don't know if that means I return peoples money or I put someone else of the project or what but I am tired of sitting around in Musoma watching fucking television and Deus doesn't get it at all.

learning patterns

2008-10-07T23:55:00.000-07:00

the psychologists in my family might appreciate this: I picked up on a learning experience in real life the other day, (i'm writing to fast to think of correct termonology, not to mention really mind-droning music is playing)... you see theres this cultural (and practical) thing here that you don't except gifts with the left hand (the left hand is the hand you wipe with and therefore viewed and dirty and never eaten or shaken with). Of course in three months its pretty hard to learn that this once previously neutral extremity of your body is suddenly offensive. So every morning when my Bibi hands me a vitumbua to eat and I'm sitting with the left side of my body closer to her then the right I automactially take it with the left hand. But I learned to do otherwise in less then three days. the first day I took it with the left hand and immediatly remembered afterwards, with the help of Bibis glare. The second day I took it with the left hand, and right after a child tried to take one with their left hand and she yelled at them and scolded them, so I observed the action. The third day I started with my left hand and then switched to the right just before taking it. the fourth I took it with the right. So I was never negatively effected by taking it with my left hand but I still learned through observation and things not said. There you go scientists, analyze all you want.
I just got a wonderful email from Priscilla. I love when people give me information about all the people I've forgotten about/ probably don't care about.. it gives me that mixed and gushy sense of home.
I'm taking my turn at being really poor this week, I don't want to take money out of the bank so I'm just waiting for Deus to repay me some money he's borrowed... I found six dollars in my pocket today which is why I was able to write this to you at all.
Also, not that I think anyone was planning on it, but I wouldn't recommend sending any letters now, they take so long i'lll be gone before they get here.
I'm giong now to see if I've gotten permission to visit the local schools and find students for my Library Project. Deus is saying I need to make some sort of report to show everyone who donated exactly what they're getting so I need to start working on that. Also the people from the Discovery Channel are arriving today to do work... sort of exciting.

finally getting down to business

2008-10-05T23:22:00.000-07:00

im so excited, the work for the project is getting done this week for the most part. today im typing a letter to ask for permission to visit the schools and talk with students. This afternoon i'll turn it in and hopefully by tomorrow we can get a response. Deus found a head administrator woman to help take me around to schools so we can find the students this week. all really promising. and a great weight off my back.

pictures

2008-10-02T00:19:00.000-07:00

shit I just messed all my pictures up by trying to put them on the left, but uh.. the upper left is a building at Gombe so you can see how particularly tree-clustered and awesome that place was. absolutely overgrown. next to the is the house i was staying at in Kigoma... I'm going back for a week and a half because mamadias maternity leave is ending so shes returning to her home there and I want to visit all my friends really bad, next to this is a baboon looking at me at Gombe... eep.

my friend Shakira dancing with Dia and my little boyfriend Malik

I can't remember if I've already posted this picture but its out front of Ngollos shop in Kigoma, these boards tell you what movies are playing that day/what time/etc

inside the home of this cop thats someones inlaw that i know, or something like that. everyone has fake flowers and big cheap looking plastic entertainment centers like this it seems.
an abandoned market in musoma, im suprised homeless people don't sleep there, but then how often do you see homeless people here... rents 15 bucks a month or less
tanzanian graph
if you die, die in god and not in person.. and below that it says in swahili, Nachiro quit wetting the bed. this is on a wall by that big rock i tried to climb where like 5 guys hang out and smoke weed all day and write in charcoal on the wall, the rock so on
someone from US sent Deus choclate chips so I tried to make cookies, they didn't look good and some of the ingredients were down'right scary but they tasted okay.
the toliet slash shower at bibis house, fresh
mamadia with her new baby boy cassiana
jane who works for mamadia doing laundry, me and jane went to the club last night and got all sorts of drama with some 20 year old guy who wants to date jane, he walked into our room at three a.m. when we got back from the club and tried to pull jane out of bed and i basically did the best i could to get him out in swahili and also mentioned that he was in my room and i felt hot and wanted to be naked and go to bed (everyone sleeps more or less naked) and i'd appreciate it if he'd get the heck out of my bedroom so i could be on with it. crazy crazy guy. he was mainly mad that he bought her like 4 dollars worth of beer and a motorcycle ride home and she wouldnt go out with him still
one of the neighbour kids waking stan up from where he was sleeping on the couch so we could take pictures
the half and half lizards!!!

also i'd like to apologize I've been getting a lot of emails lately, two days ago 8, today 11 and with my blog and all my friends blogs I'm failing to respond to everyone... don't take it personally cus it isn't just you. went to the club for sikukuu (last day of ramaddon) but it more or less sucked. its was better the day before when we turned the front yard of bibis house into a club literally. I haven't gotten any mail in awhile and I'm expecting some so I hope there isn't a post office problem... ermm... yeah lots of dancing lately and pilough (however you spell that rice stuff) some new clothes and this weekend a trip to Kigoma that I'm half decided not to go on. I'm stressing that I don't have enough on my project done but all I really need to do is go to schools and find which girls but Deus likes to put things off honestly. I'll be like 'lets go to one school today' ..'eh today i dont really feel it, we can do it tomorrow' boys honestly have more mood swings than girls. im always ready to go now, it would be horrible should the work not get done and we have to return peoples money or something. i emailed jane goodall and her secratory emailed me back saying she liked the project a lot and jane would read my email when she was back from tour in Australia. cool.

dangers and annoyances section.

2008-09-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

i went to climb a rock today that ive already climbed like three times with my friends, except i was going to take some pictures from the top because you can see alot and some old lady who lived near tried to make me pay her ten dollars seriously. people suck sometimes. yeah lady i carry around (not to mention have at all) money like that. and now this kid has followed me to the internet cafe and is just sitting there next to me, i suppose waiting until i pay so he can see my change and ask for it. hes bugging me so much im really unsympathetic to whatever his situation is and i dont care what that says about me if you analyze it. im plain bitter these days.
also yesterday we had quite a situation with my visa. deus was convinced we could renew it inside the country so we didnt leave. we went in last friday and they told us to come back monday because we didn't have money for the 100 dollar fee. apparently they didn't realize that by monday it would be expired. we came back monday and they said we had to pay 400 dollars immediately for a special visa... i asked what the other alternative was and they said "we arrest you and hold you in contempt of the government of Tanzania". i think that was a threat. i dont think the lady liked me so deus talked to her alone. the 400 dollar visa was going to be for one month only so i'd have to leave early anyways. he got her to give us some sort of deal. the visa was 150 and its for two months. i told the lady how i was going to go out of the country to renew it because i thought that was how it was done, you know legally and correctly and all that, and shes like "who told you to do that? your friends??" like i was admitting to some scam. if that trick is a scam thanks for warning me guys. apparently to renew a visa youre supposed to come like ten days before and write a letter why the first 90 days weren't enough for you. i guess i'll know next time.
anyways tomorrow is the end of rammadon so we'll feast and dress up and go to the beach to dance. sounds good with me.

into the future...

2008-09-29T00:29:00.000-07:00

So it appears Deus is returning with me to the US to live at my house for awhile. We'll be looking for vehicles and jobs. We'll be speaking Swahili - I guess I found someone to practice with. We might even both look at colleges. Although I do have other plans first.. Its quite exciting to have a little glimpse of what my future will actually look like since I spend so much time daydreaming up the most outrageous never-gone-happen schemes.

Project

2008-09-26T04:27:00.000-07:00

So heres a decision that needs to be faced and I'd love input, especially since all the donors so far read this blog.... At the end of the year when we saw who came and who didn't should we a) replace those who didn't come with new girls so the number stays at 100 always and is strictly about library memberships or should we b) keep only those girls who stayed (this might mean putting more effort into finding girls who are really truly interested) and then maybe branching out to help them when they need things like school shoes etc. theres pros and cons to both. branching out to help the girls in other ways would require a lot more work and follow up with the girls and might require me to come back even, which right now I can't even do. It would help if I could see into the future to see if a handful show up or the majority.... any suggestions?

its all happenin in the village..

2008-09-26T04:03:00.000-07:00

went to a funeral today. saw a guy who drowned get buried. its so strange that all these people who live on the lake don't know how to swim. his legs and arms looked like he got in a motor cycle wreck. ( i only know that because i saw the legs and arms of someone who got in a motorcycle wreck) honestly im getting tired of everyday needing to talk to Deus and hes at his house and im at his grandmas and we're never there at the same time or he comes at night and hes drunk and no good to talk to about work or what have you. hopefully when i finish here he'll be there.

happy happy joy joy

2008-09-24T02:07:00.000-07:00

things are going great for my project. I should check my email less often, I have a lot more good news to come to when I do. So far we have raised 350 USD, which is almost all of what we need. I will sit down and talk to Deus today about visiting the schools soon - before he starts filming with Discovery Channel next week and gets all busy.
Yesterday started off pretty cool. I went with Kosovo to the village to meet his family. The village is SO far from here. We walked part of the way and then took a bicycle lift part of the way but it took about an hour, longer on the return when we walked about half of it. The village is really pretty and its so high up you get a wonderful view of the lake. I sat around and peeled cassava roots, listened to the radio, visited a few schools just to see them, etc etc. I also met this kid who had crashed his bike really bad. He was all cut up and couldn't talk well, because I think it hurt him. He reached out and started playing with my hair when I wasn't looking and then couldn't speak well enough to explain himself. He had the WORST tattoos I've ever seen. I'll just explain the chest piece to give you the general idea: a homemade stick and poke of a side profile, naked girl with square boobs with a palm tree that looks like its coming out of her foot and a sun in the back ground thats coming out of a book or a bird or something, like one of the birds kids draw thats just a M really. All blotchy and so on. That kid was a wreck.
This is really a week for crashes. I've decided the main hazard in Tanzania is definitely its traffic. Deus's cousin was riding his bike, drunk as always, the other day when he got hit by a truck. He is surprisingly not that hurt but he does keep complaining that his wrist hurts him. Then Deus's friend was in a motorcycle accident yesterday and in horrible condition. On top of all that Bibi was crossing the road yesterday after buying spices and a motorcycle hit her and knocked her down. She's already been complaining about her legs, osteoporosis, I'd guess and now they're just worse. We took her to the hospital, a place that like other old people shes very afraid of, bribed the nurses to look after her and left. We're bringing her back again today though. I'm not sure if they've done that yet because I've been out running errins today, getting my library ID, internet, buying Deus's sister some good face wash and lotion because she always complains about her acne and she showed the lotion shes using and its for extra dry legs. yuck.
We didn't end up going to Serengetti. It seems Ifan had a crush on Kate and Kate didn't have a crush on Ifan and suddenly Ifan had guests show up and couldn't go but then no one actually saw the guests and he went to the beach all day. Actually thats kind of inferring somethings, it could have been that he didn't want to pay for it all or he really did have guests, thats just my take of things. Serengetti when? not sure yet, haven't sat down and talked to Deus in way too long. First I need to convince him not to come to Arusha with me when I return for the airport, I invested my heart in having a few weeks of just traveling alone and now hes saying he has an obligation to my parents to come with me. Not so fast! I'm not even going to bother asking my parents permission, I think he'll be talked out of it, hopefully.

woah

2008-09-20T06:21:00.000-07:00

the last few days have been pretty crazy. I look around and I'm like, wait I'm 18 and I'm really doing this. Deus has this very rich Indian friend named Ifan, forgive if I butchered the spelling, I can hardly say it and we've gone to his house for dinner two nights in a row now. It's the first house I've honestly thought could be in the United States just as it is, and he has a swimming pool, fancy wines, a big screen TV, impeccable house. It's all very strange we go to his house drink a glass of French red wine and discus Dubai or national soccer leagues or things I don't know anything about. It was really intimidating the first night but he's a nice guy and its fun to talk with Kate from America and him. They cook some of the best food I've had here. He works in a fish business, or maybe owns, its in the family I think. Selling Nile Perch, which I actually ate last night with a little prompting about how my B vitamins and such were probably low from weeks of spinach and ugali, which has the same ingredients as wheat paste. The Perch wasn't bad though, and by bad I mean it didn't taste like a fish or "fishy" so it was pretty good. He will be the one going with us, actually driving us, actually having his driver drive us in his fancy car when we go to Serengeti. Still haven't gone, todays excuse is that Ifan had some guests show up unexpectedly early. I'm not sure exactly when we're going. Still it should be rad, I'm looking forward to it the more I read about it. Its all so surreal. Living the lifestyle of the rich and the famous in an African mansion, even if its make believe and we do sometimes just sit around and watch MTV and diss on everyone...
The only other thing worth mentioning, but almost not really because its so disturbing, was about three days ago when one of the neighbours was trying to teach her child to read. The mom held the book she was reading from in one hand and a really thick stick in the other. She seriously just kept going at her kid over nothing. "READ", and if her kids crying too hard to get anything out, whack whack whack, on the head, the arms, the back, the face even until the stick broke and she got a new one. If this wasn't disturbing enough theres the fact that I watched the whole thing from a close distance for probably half an hour and never said a thing. yeah I don't know the language that well, yeah I don't know the lady that well, yeah it isn't my place and I'm a foreigner here and its not my place but I really don't like what it says about me that I just sat by and watched some lady take out repressed anger on her daughter with a tree branch. It kept me up at night two nights in a row. Clearly some part of me, the stubborn, spite-fire say anything in the name of justice part of me that was there as a little kid got lost somewhere, probably in a bush at my high school...

a new mzungu!

2008-09-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

So Deus's friend Kate from California came yesterday. She's like 20 something and somehow manages to look impeccable always despite the "conditions". She's definitely a lot more agreeable than the last group of kids. She likes to bitch about money, and her ex-boyfriends and she put off college after High School and didn't even really like high school - an idea completely foreign to the San Diego kids but something that works well for me. Also yesterday when we met she told me the story of her deep fear of the cheesy kids movie Witches and how when she saw the lead actress in the movie walking on the beach she flipped out because it was the witch in person, which is all really strange but likeably human. I'm trying to teach her a little Swahili which is fun, it makes me feel like I know what I'm talking about even if I don't. Also she said when I'm on my way out of the country (I'm planning on snaking around and seeing some things while making my way to the Dar Airport) to stop in Arusha where shes going to be working and we can hang out for a few days so thats cool.
Still haven't gone to Serengeti yet. Things keep getting put off. Tonight we're going swimming though apparently. Deus has some rich friend with a swimming pool and he's going with us to Serengeti and I think he wants to stay in a hotel, assuming he's paying, its about 200 per night inside the park, that sounds awesome.
Today we went to Mara River and the Nyerere Museum. I cannot pronounce that mans name for the life of me. Deus's friend went with us and I let him borrow my iPod for the ride. I thought he didn't know how to use it so I kept just picking songs for him, the Sean Paul I have, the one Mac Dre song I have, Tupac, etc. Finally I just left him alone with it and I came back and he was listening to Wooden Wand and ThreeBerry Icecream and really into it. Oh the things you see.

i regretted that last post almost immediately

2008-09-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

it really just gleams the problem and its pretty bitter. the whole issue of being a white person in Africa is bigger than a few lines about being bothered by people and labeling it all racism. i have to admit whenever i see another white person walking in town i stare too, they just look so out of place. that being said i do get hassled, mainly joked at and i do get the impression that most people don't view me as a human being just the same as they are. i do purposefully cross the road if i see a group of children coming up or a group of 20 something year old guys. i do walk around with my head down because i know looking at people just encourages them to say something, and it usually isn't a greeting. i do walk around thinking to myself "dont say anything, please dont say anything, just leave me alone" over and over. but on the other hand i meet some really great people, and sometimes i get perks because i'm white. is that racism? theres certainly people who take me under their wing and some great experiences i've had with Tanzanians, even just walking in the street and occasionally if im not feeling particularly bitter the waving kids can be kind of cute. honestly the saddest thing for me is when i've been living with someone and they still refer to me as the mzungu. its been happening alot lately in Musoma and im almost over the idea of convincing anyone here im just a person and not a white person. im just stephanie for christs sake. one woman, a neighbour, which means almost family here since youre sharing a yard.. and youre in the yard all day, did say yesterday "i like stephanie, shes just simple" except for the fact that i don't eat meat, its really pretty true. but i definately appreciated hearing it from someone.
today we're going to serengetti.... assuming we ever get started. we're waiting for Deus's friend from America to show up..... any day now seriously

erg

2008-09-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

from the people who try to run me off the road when im walking, to the boys who ask to marry me before they know my name, to that one girl who yelled in my face in Swahili that she didn't want white people around and didn't like them... . im plain tired of racism. thats really what it is. normally its just someone joking with me, greeting me so i'll respond and they can laugh with their friends or telling me to give them money or calling me over so they can make jokes. for a country who wants tourist money i don't really understand why its part of the culture but it is. i dread walking alone, especially away from the main roads because all you get is hassled. the cops and security guards aren't above it... one asked me to be his girlfriend just this morning. if i never hear mzungu again it will be too soon.
other than that im worried about this mole. and i saved a mouse who got into the flour and they were going to kill by acting like he "accidentally" got out of my hands. go baby mouse!

p.s. regarding suncare

2008-09-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

I've had this itchy little rash on my arm for a few days now. It's way premature to make neurotic calls like this but I'm convinced its going to spring up any day now and turn into a large cancerous mole from over exposure to sun. Does anyone know anything about cancerous moles and what I should look for????

promising project upate

2008-09-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I went to the Musoma Regional Library to talk to the head librarian about my project. Deus helped with the translating and the whole thing went really well. The idea is still to sponsor 100 secondary school (its about the equivalent of high school) students to get a library membership of course targeting those who cannot afford to do so. The man we spoke to also really urged us to sponsor girls, the library records for the day before we came showed 250 boys visiting and only 50 girls. Also he urged that we sponsor kids from newly built schools, some built for political reasons, that are horribly ill-equipped without books, desks, teachers etc. I'm hopping next week I can start searching for the schools that will be involved and start talking. Which means now is the time to really raise money. The fee to become a member is 2,000 Tsh. (I just checked online and 1 USD is 1,152Tsh), but theres also the cost of the two passport sized photos needed to make your ID card (the library system isn't computerized). I haven't done the math just yet but it should all be under 500 USD and my dad has already promised 100. Of course any amount we can raise would be wonderful because a) I don't want to cut the number off at 100 if theres more interest, these are people not numbers, and b) the library has a shortage of chairs and tables, leaving some to sit on the ground. Anything that anyone reading this can give, literally anything, would be very much appreciated and could be mailed to the address listed before in my blog:
P.O. Box 989
Musoma, TZ
East Africa

Asante Sana,
Steph

so maybe

2008-09-11T01:48:00.000-07:00

i took that whole, nothing needs to be said, a little to seriously concerning my last post.
me and my little brother live on different planets.
theres some stuff to write about but lately i don't feel like it. there was the train ride which cost me way too much for 3rd class and all the different characters i met on the train: the loud girl who invited me to sit with her during the 24 hour layover, the older man who reminded me of priscillas dad and helped me out a great deal, even moving me up to second class, which was a sleeping lounge like in darjeeing unlimited, or whatever.. at least he was helpful until he asked to be my boyfriend and i kind of scooted him out of the room, there was the man so coked out of his mind that he looked like a bushbaby with big'ol eyes shoving people on top of each other in the train and i think, trying to get his hands in my pocket which i swatted away which was kind of an adrenaline rush and then there was the really helpful kid who reminded me of my friend Brian in Whittier. Actually friend is an overstatement.
There was coming home to the new baby, washing a months worth of underwear and that day i fasted for Rammadon, well sort of, i did drink a little water but otherwise my head would have exploded. Rammadon is a terrible idea really. no offense. Theres been lots of thinking lately and less writing which i'm enjoying. I'm getting to see everyone in musoma in a new light as now i actually know what they're saying. Everyone except bibi that is, shes still just crabby as ever.
hope everyone is well. planning on posting less to conserve funds, i can't check my bank account online again and it costs 2 bucks to check at the atm...

this has nothing to do with africa but...

2008-09-03T04:48:00.001-07:00

this is my first email from my little brother:

MY car mobs i put a 4 channel 400 wat amp and a10in. mtx jackhammer subwoffer :P, i applyed for a spot atthe lower lot but no luck yet, arelie asked how you weredoing in tanzaniea or w/e its called and i said shes intanzanea?

my trip to Jurrasic Park,... er Gombe

2008-09-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

So I've been to Gombe and back, turns out I have more time in Kigoma than I thought. I'm here til Thursday and I think I've convinced Deus to let me go back to Mwanza on train (it certainly can't bump as much as a bus) which means it'll take two days.
It was decided last minute I would spend another night than anticipated at Gombe. I really only packed one outfit and stuff to make PB&Js but it worked out all right. The boat ride there took about 3 hours in this wooden beast that looked like Noahs Ark and that they kept scooping water out of the bottom of. When I arrived the beach there was so picture perfect I was almost repulsed with the idea of taking a picture of it. The water was clear, the stones and sand white, the trees huge and looming. I went swimming, ate PB&Js and went to sleep early to make sure and wake up in time to see chimps! Wake up early I did, I kept waking up while it was still to dark to see my watch and thinking I was going to be late, which is preposterous since the sunrises at 7 and I was going at 8... anyways woke, ate pb&j tena. And I know this may disappoint some people, i.e. the people reading this, i.e. my mom, but I decided last minute not to bring my camera into the bus with me. Mainly for that reason that it's such a cheap thing that takes such low quality pictures it'd be better to just have the experience then have a bunch of blurry pictures of it, plus if you give me time I'm not too bad with words so I can certainly tell you about the chimps. Although the whole thing was a little fast and honestly I think I'll have more memories of my guide then the chimps if only because he complained about his job and how old he was and his bosses the whole time. He did however mention that i was one of the luckiest guests yet ("and you didnt bring a camera???") because we stumbled into thirty-ish chimps close to camp within minutes of leaving. I got to see them using tools to eat bugs, playing, fighting, climbing up and down trees and definitely broke the stay 10 meters away rule as one ambled past me at arms length. Things got a little not so jolly though when the alpha male and the old alpha male started showing each other up while I was close by. Me and the guide and the reseachers jumped off the path about ten feet downhill through trees with everyone grabbing me. My guide kept going "are you scared? they can beat you with sticks and rocks...." We'll gee thanks, I wasn't scared until you kept repeating that and then they chased us and all...
And again later on while we were sitting in a little clearing with a chimp family grooming to the left and a group hanging out behind us and a few meandering on all sides when suddenly another fight broke out and I realized I'm surrounded by these things on all sides and if you run they only want to chase you more.
Janes Peak was awesome though, totally unexpected and I do wish I had brought my camera for that. Although my guide was tired and I think in a hurry to get down. The trees there were seriously amazing. I'm not sure it was worth the money since the whole thing was a bit of a blur but it did help me to realize part of what I liked so much about Africa as a child. Basically I think I'd like to be some sort of nature dwelling animal, not so normal, but hey most of the things children think aren't. And the reason really isn't that I think animals are all that swell but that I'd like to swing from trees and sleep in them and such on. Yeah I could have probably solved that puzzle for a lot cheaper by just renting the jungle book again, but hey I didn't.

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2008/09/01/opinion/20080901_opart.html

rats, cats and all things dead.

2008-08-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

Shoba
A cat someone killed this morning hanging from a tree
its entrails
me at Ngollos shop with DJ YP
the big bug! i have another picture but running out of time to post. it has big red spots. I've only seen a few, but honestly they're huge.
mama kilis fruit shop, more or less the same as every other one although this is in their front yard, not the main road. A pineapples 40 cents, as is 5 bananas. the sugar canes ten cents. I don't know how much the avocados are.
mama kili and kili, her daughter. Kili kind of creeps me out. She'll say "Shangazi look" a lot and when I look she's eating bugs or her boogers or something.
Agu, who thinks its really funny to hit me and chase me with sticks. He can actually do some damage for such a little guy.
Schemgas are good for some things, like imitating Indians. Ngollo probably wouldn't be happy knowing this is online though. Not that I think she'd really know what online means.

me and Agustino at the wedding, before his days of "carry a big stick" policy.

Shangazi/Auntie cooking ugali. The kitchens totally grim
me and Chau around the time I first arrived. I can't say I feel so fondly towards her now, as her main way of getting what she wants is crying for half an hour.
the little village of Ujiji. Here a fire truck is filling up at the lake.
Inside Ngollos perfume/CD shop. Although I think she's quitting soon.

kangas drying in the village at Deus's real grandmothers home.

the bride at the wedding, no they don't wear white. And she really didn't smile once. Ngollo said she was afraid.
me looking on at the wedding with bena and mama Agu behind us. MamaAgu has a really unique face and I kind Julian would draw a picture of her for me.
the girls in purple sung at the wedding and i have a short video of it.
i had to pretend like i took this by accident at the wedding but i like it a good deal.
some not so subtle nike advertising, i can't remember if i posted this before but i just found it so amazing, its someones house!
me in Tarime with a teacher and woman who started her own womans group in Tarime. This was a pretty long time ago now though.
me all dressed and ready for the wedding. yeah i wore a dress... but i had shorts on underneath
bena, Deus's sister, Ngollo (turns out ive been spelling her name wrong), mama kili, and mama agu, with agu.

and some recent adventures:
a few days ago, eyeing auntie crushing peanuts to make some sort of oil or butter I suddenly became overwhelmingingly nostalgic for my vegan cake days and had a strong desire to cook something (the oven is definately the modern appliance I miss most). Of course everyones convinced I can't cook because I dont know how to skin a tomato while holding it in my palm, in under 30 seconds. Still I convinced Auntie to let me cut up the spinach. Of course this entails nothing resembling a cutting board or counter space so youre doing it in your hand again. About 30 seconds in I took a handful of spinach in one hand, and pressed down into it with a knife with the other ( in my defense this seemed safe and rational because every knife I've encountered so far has been dull as a rock.) Unfortunately this time it led to little puddle of blood in the nooks of my fingers and a handful of wasted spinach. I put a band-aid on and didn't mention it to anyone for fear my reputation as a cook would sink further. I adopted a new cutting strategy and eventually finished the job. It's a good thing I got my tetnous shot though.
I also had a very welcome chat with Ngollo which entailed her informing me that people with boobs as small as mine don't normally wear bras in this country. I went almost immediately to take it off and haven't seen it since. By the way someone remind me to give the bra back to Dani, if she still wants it.
The there was the long, example filled, explanation of the American belief that kids should get the heck out of the house before they're 20. Ngollo couldn't figure out why anyones parents would kick them out or even more strange why some kids would want to leave. It's a weird cultural thing to think about because my bet is that it came about as a result of government schooling ending at 18. So in the 1800's did kids hang out with mom and pops until they were 40? Here they hang out until they get married, even if that means forever. Ngollo decided she liked her culture better then ours on that one.
Another cultural aspect I've picked up lately in the Tanzanian belief, of course only in some people, that being a socialist and living in a socialist state makes a person nice and trustworthy and living in a capatalistic state causes them to be greedy and hoarding. I read online that public infrastructure in America, like roads, they're considering selling to private companies because they don't have money for the upkeep. I can see someone looking back 50 years from now and saying God that was a bad idea. Assuming the Earth lasts that long.
I bought some new t-shirts as well. Can't keep me away from a good t-shirt. One about animal testing with that quote that goes something like "an atrocity is no less of an atrocity when it occurs in a laboratory and is called scientific research", if that isn't the exact quote. It has a little cartoon accompanying it. I mainly found it funny that it was in Africa. I got another one that's a tank top with drawn on cross necklaces. how Urban Outfitter. Tank tops are nice though, the weathers been getting hotter. Last night I hardly got any sleep and I finally got up, took off my pants and slept in someones slip that was hanging in the room.
Deus is still sick so its been decided I'll go to Gombe alone. Theres no food there so today or tomorrow I'll do some grocery shopping. I'm going friday night and leaving Saturday evening and Sunday we take the bus to Mwanza. Monday I'll be in Musoma. Next month or maybe it was the one after Deus is making a show with the discovery channel about one of his projects so he's going to be pretty busy.
Truthfully I'm surprised I've been able to shrink away from responsibility for this long in my life. I'm still as lazy as I was in high school. Still not really working. Just kind of hanging out for two years. Ngollo keeps asking me why I don't like school and I told her I like to study on my own, which she can clearly observe but this doesn't satisfy her. Anyways now I'm reading a book about Evolutionary Psychology (of the same title). Some of its clearly bullshit. Like they question why women would have affairs in their marriage and they mention sperm competition but not that maybe the woman just have crappy husbands. There was one quote I liked though (also possibly not true): "sexual selection explains the origins of cultural dimorphism (male domination of political, economic and cultural life) by male efforts to acquire material resources for attracting and keeping females. On this basis, the production of art, music and literature functions primarily as a courtship display". It's an interesting theory at least.
It doesn't explain why I want to make art so badly though. I've definitely another luxury. I have the time but not the resources. A few half working pens and some lined paper although I have been doodling, bugs, rats, birds and that cat with its tumbo out. Painting and making collages is on my list of 4o something things to do when I return though.
This blog is totally taking advantage of my love of writing. Thankfully I'll be busy the next few days so next time I post I'll have some actual news.

2008-08-27T00:50:00.000-07:00

So I kind of miss good movies. theres a weird market in Tanzania for crappily made kung-fu movies. i've seen parts of a few, normally in English. people in the theater will turn to me to ask what the characters are saying but honestly they're normally just talking nonsense and even the little part on the back cover of the movie that explains it makes no sense: so jet li kills so and so for the problem caused by his anger of hand that man could kill his father. shit like that. my favorite so far has been: Last Warning.... and Last Warning 2, Revenge of the Warning.
I have a movie and dinner date with Eric when I return in November so hopefully something good is in theaters. I doubt I can get Eric to go to the palm.
As for my project, I'm still thinking about it. Deus is proposing I do something to just buy school children books for their schools instead. This may be an American luxury to have such a snooty mindset but my real dislike for that idea is that the kids don't get to go check out whatever the hell they want to read about. Like it narrows their options too much. I'm still thinking about it though.
As for Gombe, I'll be going alone Friday as Deus is still sick sick sick. You have to take a boat to get there and then spend the night at the hotel, wake up early and go on a hike with a tour guide. Its 100 dollars for 24 hours so I gotta make sure I get the heck out of there in time. Tourist stuff is crazy expensive.
Today I'm not doing much. Woke up ate bread and chai, surprisingly good together. Chai means all tea by the way. Washed my underwear by hand in a bucket out front of the house. Walked to Ngoros shop, talked with Deus, lent him some money. Tonight I'm having dinner with my Jehovah friend. He really likes debating with me and frankly I'm just tired of it but turning down offers to eat at someones house is pretty darn rude here.
I guess this is all pretty standard. Actually thats what I've been thinking about lately about how I've made myself so at home I'm rarely amazed anymore, but sometimes it catches me. Like I'll be walking around with my head down muttering about being called a muzungu and laughed at everywhere I go, totally in my own little world and I'll look up and the suns a huge ball going down in the sky over lake Tanganika, creating hundreds of silhouettes from the lights of dalla-dallas zooming down the dirt road, children are playing on roof and in gutters, masses of birds are circling overhead and suddenly I'm like holy shit I'm in Africa. my moms swimming the same line over and over at some sterile gym, my brothers looking at the white walls of a smelly classroom, my dads meeting with the same disgruntled old men in a stuffy office, my friends are hanging out at the fucking park and I'm in Africa.
and one last thought: Biden huh? I don't even know anything about the guy. Thank Mungu for nytimes.com

areahasldk

2008-08-25T02:51:00.000-07:00

ugh I typed this and then they switched the power from generator to electricity and i lost it all.
Basically I've been having some 'fun talking" lately. Prompted first by the smutty People magazine and secondly by the Bible.
I got to explain, in detail, slowly the story of the pregnant man. We also talked about Britney Spears hamna chupi, i.e. no underwear picture and about Lance Bass's new boyfriend. This lead to a discussion of homosexuality in general, everyone but me agreeing it's an atrocity.
Then this morning I my Jehovah friend tried to talk me into buying god from him. getting old honestly. Next he asked me if there was the problem of unweds sharring a house in america, which of course made me snicker. my answer was i didn't consider it a problem. and also we disagreed strongly about wives being submissive. of course now im out of time completely. more later.

meh

2008-08-24T03:47:00.000-07:00

and so my mood comes and goes. its really a cyclical thing that makes me fear I'll grow up to be some bipolar nut.
Lately I've been thinking of deleting the whole blog thing as I'm not really comfortable with my whole extended family and all our family friends reading stuff that I originally wrote thinking was going to be seen by a handful of my friends. It's all just a little awkward. Although I do get positive response from it. What the hell was I supposed to expect when I told my big-mouthed mom about it. Mainly I'm worried it will fall into the hands of Deus now who will get to read about some of the things he does that bother me before I tell him in person, which is more than a little awkward.
So Deus finally returned yesterday morning. We went to breakfast together and then he disappeared to use internet and I haven't seen him since. I believe he's staying in the village and sick but I do hope I see him today as some things has arisen that I'd really like to talk to him about.
I've been sleeping a lot lately. My heart beats been a little weird too. I walked the length of town today just trying to get some excersice and get out of a otherwise bad mood. I'm so sick of hearing muzungu and good morning anytime of day. not to mention that my bank account is close to about half of what it was when i arrived. It's only money but still it's having a rather negative effect on my mood. And any time my mood goes south I start dreaming of returning early. Of course anytime I start seriously thinking of returning I start seriously thinking of how much crap there is in California (people, situations, history, all my clothes even) that I don't want to deal with. Ugh.
Lately I've just been eating a lot of porridge and thinking how weird it is to not be at the fair, getting ready to start school or watching any of the Olympics. I did watch a little bit of 'Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday" at the "cinema" the other day, or basically in a dark room with a TV and bad sound system, but other than that not much TV this month.
I can't really think of much else to write.
I have a friend here named Stan and I told him I couldn't go to Gombe if I was sick because Chimps can catch human diseases and he didn't believe me. He's pretty fun to hang out with though. He's the one I bought the library card for and he likes to sit around and have weird debates like which do we need more: the sun or the moon. and I told him there clearly wouldn't be life without either but he went on about how we have electricity so who really needs the sun anyways, right?
uhh.. sure.

watoto after my own heart

2008-08-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

so i was woken at 6 this morning to go for a pre-dawn run with my friend G. Of course he's more fit then me so the whole affair was a little lopsided. At one point he even tried to give me a piggy-back ride I was so out of breath. I refused the offer. He also lent me a Swahili dictionary with some grammar so once I finish here and the bank i'll be studying today.
After my run I returned to lay in bed and complain about my tired legs to a sleeping Ngoro. in the other room Ngoros mother had a guest who was talking about Deus, and I was able to make out her saying 'Deus came with a muzungu" and Ngoros child Chausiku said "nuh-uh, Deus came with Shangazi Auntie Stephanie"
how damn cute. someone recognizes i'm a human being a not a big lump of american wrapped in white skin.
as for the whole muzungu word, it has officially gotten old. And since i'm deus-less the men of this town seem to think this muzungu is on the market. ngoro told me several men have been stoppping by the shop to try and talk to me. one potential suiter has gone so far to buy me a phone card so that i can call him and keeps inviting me to the bar and the beach... uhhh no.

still here!

2008-08-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

So Deus has gone over his date of return again! He says he'll be here Tuesday as right now he is still too sick to travel but we'll have to wait and see. I've definitely been enjoying Kigoma so this isn't a complaint in any way. Although I am a bit sad to learn I missed MamaDia giving birth. She had a boy!
News:
I got sick. For the first time here, I got really sick. Maybe really sick is an overstatement. It's something like a cold that mainly effects me when I wake in the morning (my nose stuffed with snot and my throat all clogged with goober). I did go to the Duka la Dawa though and get a few things, a cough syrup and this pill thats supposed to help flus, runny noses and give you energy. I took so much time comparing the ingredients of different medicines in the pharmacy (even coming back to return a medicine I decided wasn't quite right) that the doctor there asked me if I was a doctor myself. What worried me though was that half the cough syrups seemed to have ingredients that sounded like they belonged on my spice rack and not in my medicine. If its going to cure me I want it to be strong, undiluted CHEMICALS I'm paying for. sarcasm intended- sorta.
Yesterday there was a ceremony because the National Torch (symbolizing Tanzanian independence) came to town. They fenced off a big area where the Government officials and police officers stood around the torch while in front of them different groups put on performances, mainly dance, although there was one band, mainly comprised of drummers but also with one dude wielding an accordion he clearly didn't know how to play and as we we're leaving a theater group was starting (to some 'boo's'). The best was definitely this really well coordinated story-dance where two men, one dressed as a woman and the other as an older Arab man acted out a love story. The rest of the dances mainly consisted of people shaking their bums at you. I got tired of standing though so me and Ngoro headed back to her house down the road. Looking up on the way back I noticed the start of a lunar eclipse! I tried in limited Swahili to explain to Ngoro what was happening. Unfortunately she has little understanding of the sky above her. As yesterday was a full moon I looked up the word for full moon and then pointed out to her that it wasn't full anymore but actually shrinking but she asked me "full is big or little?". Clearly a lack of school (she finished only elementary) contributed to this confusion.
As for news of my ideas and thoughts:
I'm seriously considering scrapping the whole drug and alcohol program, actually survey, I was planning and doing a completely different program. The problems with the drug and alcohol program are too many but for now I will say time, and really a lack of ideas or maybe confidence in ideas on my part. Plus its just complicated for resource and culture issues. Also we haven't even started!
My new idea came from a conversation I was having with one of my friends here. This kids name is Stan and he's my age. He is really bright and really eager to learn. He's always asking me to tell him stories (about the moon landing, colonialism, English grammar, geology, or the American Revolution, basically anything I can talk about -- which is forcing me to examine how little I learned in high school). I told him if he wanted stories like that he should come to the library with me. He responded that he didn't have money to get books at the library, I responded something like "don't you know what a library is?? it means the books are free!". "No," he said "you have to pay 3ooo Tsh per year to be a member and I don't have the money. I try to save up but it hasn't happened. Maybe if God wishes though I will get the money" (People here say "if God wishes" with amazing frequency). For those who don't know, I'll assume everyone reading this, 3000 Tsh is three dollars! So of course I told him I'll get him a library account for this year. And now the idea is that I want to set up a program to get library accounts for other students who want them. With 1,000 dollars you could get 300 kids accounts, plus put a lot of money into the library, which I think would give you some influence to say what kind of books you'd like to see (meaning we'd ask the kids what kind of books they want to see). I'm going to propose it to Deus when he returns but it all seems pretty simple and straight forward. The questions remaining are: how much money, how many students and which, where will the money come from, how do we guarantee it gets used at the library, how do we make sure it gets spent on students who want it and some practical application questions. But over all I think it is do-able. I woke up a few days with the idea and totally pumped to get working on it. I think the only thing that could get in my way at this point is my confidence in my ability to be a leader of a program, but I'm doing everything I can to fight my doubts and just prove to myself I can do something. Another idea I've been thinking about is sustainable lightening for houses like the one I'm staying in that don't have electricity and rely on kerosene. I am almost certain the kersene lamp is hurting my throat a good deal and the fact that a few of the kids in the house have hoarse voices reiterates that belief not to mention the loss of productivity onces darkness sets at about 7 p.m. and all you have is a lantern per 3 people or so.
For that problem I don't have an answer but it is something to keep in mind. Any one interested it should know there was a project called Lighting Africa that tried to set entrepreneurs upon the problem to come up with light inventions. I'm sure you could google it and figure out more about how it went.
Other than that I've been giving a lot of thought to government theory thanks to my current book of choice. Having some major "A-ha!" light bulb moments and some things that are really making me think. I've just finished the part of the book about socialism, communism and very briefly anarchy (which it noted as "the noblest" and yet "Utopian").
As for some news out of my head, which I just remembered, in the morning I've taken up running. We'll some mornings at least. I told Ngoro I didn't want to return back to America waddling so I better get some exercise and started using that early morning time normally spent not-sleeping in bed, listening to the mosque to go for a run. Although I can't say I did this morning... I'll have to see if I keep it up.
Another quick thing I noticed was how human everyone has become to me. If you were to walk into the situation right now from America I think pity would be a pretty common emotion, here I am surrounded by dirty kids in ratty falling off clothing, not in school, living in a dirt house (I've decided it is most certainly hard to stay clean when living in a dirt house), eating the same meal day after day (ugali and dagaa, or this flour paste stuff and small fish), etc etc. its like those commercials where that guy has some barefoot girl on his lap asking you to give them money except now it's just totally normal to me. Not saying I condone it or anything, just that I've adapted and feel at home.
And for a last anecdote... I believe I mentioned one of the women of the home took up selling fruit out front of the house, meaning inside the house we have a large storage of bananas and cucumbers and such in tarps on the ground. The other night me and Ngoro were laying in bed attempting communication about bugs that were in the house when someone started yelling from the kitchen, Ngoro said there was a "big big bug" so I went out expecting a cockroach and found myself faced with a foot long rat. While I do consider rats friends, foot long ones not so much and I went runnning, screaming back into the bedroom.
mhmm...

th!nk

2008-08-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

so here I am in Afrikaa and yet of late existing in my head. Perhaps I could never be a true anarchist because I can't seem to go long - no matter what country I'm in - without seeking out and inhabiting a good ol', government sponsored library. I was so happy to have something to read other than my phrasebook I finished a 300 something page book in about 2 days.
What I've been reading of late: Beyond PC (politically correct): the politics of understanding.
written in the 90's as more women and minorities were coming into the universities its basically about changing curriculum to better represent everyones point of view. A bunch of essays on those who support this and those who don't and those who render the whole argument irrelevant. Made me want to go to college and yet despise that you have to pay to get into an area where people are discussing anything of importance.
Next I'm reading some of the writings of Steve Biko (Frank Talk) who was a black rights activist during apartheid and the creation of bantustans in South Africa. He was shackled, naked in jail and brutally clubbed to death by policemen who were never charged. Rather grim stuff just for having an opinion. If there was ever a place to work out your feelings on racism and its past Africa isn't a bad choice.
And next I'll be starting a very rather large book titled: Government and the Governed, or something like that. Written in the 1930's it seems to be mainly a history book.
Other than that I've been thinking up a storm.
For a few nights I had a little rash of insomnia, mainly comprising of the inability to fall asleep because I just kept thinking thinking thinking.. of course it was accompanied by the inability to stay asleep nor go back to sleep once awake. Of course the 5 a.m. mosque services help none. I think it has passed but I'm still regularly waking very early in the morning and just sort of hanging out in bed trying to discourage Ngoro from rolling on top of me.
I've been thinking about money and privilege and being guilty through birth and a solution to that guilt as well as a million unrelated things about my friends and the weirdness of the Swahili language. Worrying about coming back to the states and not progressing in my Swahili at all. Making up imaginary business's I want to start in the U.S. and about how its a shame there isn't the ubiquitousness of fresh fruits, nuts and vegetables there is here and for the prices here! It's hard to avoid being surrounded by pineapples (40 cents), bananas (I've gotten up to 17 for one dollar), cucumbers, tomatoes, cassava root, bags of peanuts, roasting corn on the cob, tangerines, oranges, spinach bundles, chinese, onions, etc... all for pennies. I could totally come back to the U.S. and set up a lil' side of the road fruit shop, yeah?
As for my health, my stomachs straightened itself out but now I'm having some throat problems that are more or less inevitable considering I'm living inside a house made of dust, sleeping with my head next to a fume-spewing kerosene lantern and am constantly followed by the smoke of ever present burning trash piles. Unfortunately I really like the taste of Halls cough drops so I already ate all the ones I brought. I'll stick to hard candy and head to a duka la dawa (shop of medicine) should things digress.
Deus is sick with malaria but should be coming tomorrow. I've been in Kigoma all of about 3 weeks. My plan today is to read more, buy candy, go to Ngoros shop and correct her English while she corrects my Swahili (we agreed on this before bed last night), eat, maybe nap, etc.
My moments of despair about the trip have passed for now. I realized first that what made time worthwhile was your friends (and incorrectly thought this meant I should have stayed home with them) and realized second that you can always make a new friend (not to mention retreat into a book).
So here I am dirty, with hair so full of mud its all straight and breaking to bits, spying on my friends online and soaking up nytimes.com
Off to Gombe soon!

chick in the choo

2008-08-04T03:01:00.000-07:00

so today is Monday. despite whatever the heading says because I think its on California time. I've been Deus-less for a few days now and my Swahili is the better for it. I even managed to tell my host that I wanted to wash my underwear today, and managed to make it clear that I meant me wash personally.. which I did although they're all a bit soapy because I'm not sure exactly what I was supposed to do with all those buckets of water.
My stomach is still a problem. Basically whenever I eat it feels like a mix between gas pain, heartburn, hunger and someone balling up my insides with their fist and squeezing. My stomach hurt last night and I had some really crazy nightmares so I didn't sleep all too well. I'm thinking I'll go to the pharmacy and look for some vitamin C or Iron or protein or B vitamins.. I'm not really sure what I need although B vitamins are a good guess.
The last two days have been really new-experience-filled. Me and Ngoro went to a wedding in the village. A Muslim ceremony. The bride wore pink and didn't smile the whole time and I honestly don't even know who was the groom. I got a lot of photos of the wedding, which is something I don't normally do and a few short videos and the one photographer for the wedding got four (!) pictures of me. He clearly wasn't really a photographer though because the first picture he took he still had the lens cap on so good luck for any of his turning out.
We went to the village the day before the wedding. That night there was probably 30 kids drumming and singing. There would be maybe 2 or 3 drumming in the middle and they would make up a really short song and then everyone would dance in a circle around them, going round and round like a whirlpool and sing the little song over and over until someone made up a new one. I decided not to dance because I already had the whole place watching me while I was just standing but it was still fun.
We sleep at Deus's real Bibis home in the village. The bed was really really small as was the net which pretty humorous. "kitanda kidogo, neti kidogo". The toilet there was a really deep hole, maybe 20 feet, in the ground and somehow one little chick happened to fall in so you could hear him peeping down there. I even saw him once when i stuck my flashlight in the hole. I imagined he could feed and live just fine and he would grow up down there but then the next day I didn't hear him peep once. I fear the worst.
After the wedding we took one of the most crowded dala-dalas I have ever been on back to town. Me and Ngoro climbed the mango tree in the front yard in our fancy wedding dresses and ate bitter mangoes in the sun. All the kids started climbing up after us and lots of ants crawled on my feet. I was really happy.

spoke too soon

2008-08-01T02:17:00.000-07:00

ah so the trip to Gombe was postponed. Theres some students coming from America the week after next and they want to visit Gombe with Deus so we put off the trip until they're here.
Its a bit of a shame too because Jane Goodalls only son Grub was going there the day we originally planned on going... how do I know? Because we met him at lunch!!! Okay actually I didn't meet him, I just watched him eat lunch, but Deus had already met him before so he went over and reintroduced himself while I sat there looking at my sleeves and playing with with my food. It felt really weird because I'm reading Jane Goodalls biography right now so I knew a lot more about this dude eating next to me then I should have, like his initials are HELL. awesome right. Apparently he has nothing to do with Chimps nor Science and runs his own coffee company.. not awesome.
So yeah, here I am in Kigoma, the town Deus grew up in and I am facing my first real challenge.... being left alone without someone to translate for me!!!!!
Deus left this morning to take the bus back to Musoma, a two-day trip, and will be gone for a week, meeting other visitors from the U.S. and bringing the students back for Gombe. I'll be here alone (well almost alone) for one week. As previously mentioned I am staying with Deus's aunt, his three female cousins and their hoard of four children, two girls: Christina and chow (who i sometimes accidentally call choo, which means toilet) and two boys, shoban and asu, oh and a little baby, Augustina. Every evening their neighbor comes over who speaks decent English and sits on the step and converses with me and helps me translate a little. For some reason my hosts can't grasp the whole 'please speak reaalllllyyyyy slowly please' thing.
The house is a little rustic, its made out of mud and sticks and theres no electricity. The cousin who has been more or less appointed my keeper is named Ngoro, is my age and has one three year old daughter, Chow. Ngoro really likes Celine Dion apparently and at night that awful sound competes with the sound of the worshipers and loud speakers at the mosque. I am trying to be less of a music snob honestly though because otherwise things would really be getting on my nerves right about now, everyone here listens to the same few songs over and over and over, some really bad American hip-hop imports, a lot of traditional church choir music and Shania Twain to most of them.
I've been causing a little bit of a stir staying in this town as well, from what I gather Kigoma is poorer than most places I've been staying. The commissioner of something came over while I was napping yesterday and asked them to bring me over to see my papers when I woke up, thankfully by that time Deus had come back and we all went over. Apparently it wasn't anything serious but sort of a jealous thing and some sort of stigma because the family i'm staying with is pretty poor. Luckily he wasn't home. on the way back from there we stopped at another home, we being me deus, all the womenfolk, and another male cousin, and the male cousin guy gave a thorough talking over to some ladies at the home, apparently they had been yelling at me and Deus while we were walking, I asked Deus what they were yelling but he didn't say except strong words, which I think means they were cussing at us. Apparently Deus's family rents them their home and they did turn quite sorry. people here like to be really rude, mainly when i'm walking alone. sometimes i try and tell people to go away or ask them what they want but the sight of me using swahili normally just makes them burst out laughing so i don't say anything and walk away.
my stomach hasn't been feeling that well in a few days. maybe im dehydrated or something.
I hate it because ive yet to meet an African who has as small a bladder as I do and feels my pain. i have to get up and pee at least once a night and I share a bed with Ngoro so she always wakes up and then usually since I have to move a big piece of wood and some nails in the wall to get out everyone wakes up.
Also I'm having some trouble thinking up an answer when people point at all the scars on my arm... uhh its an American thing, you wouldn't get it?
Writing this blog takes up a lot of my internet time but now my parents are reading it so I'll try and make it inclusive and nice and all that so maybe its worth it. My English is getting seriously bad and i must be hungry because my hands started shaking pretty bad about five minutes ago.
It costs about 30 cents to take a dala-dala, a 15 seater bus...normally carrying about 25+ people (the worst is when someone farts in the dala-dala, seriously) to town and lunch is never more then a few dollars, breakfast is even cheaper, today i got tea and three pastries for about 35 cents. chai in Swahili means tea and the word for breakfast is 'chai ya asubuhi' (tea of the morning) so of course I'm drinking a lot of tea.. and eating a lot of pastries and ugali, with my hands, which really burns sometimes. I'm also showering outdoors in a little plastic bag and stick made enclosure which doesn't conceal you very well.... a little awkward..
anywho... i miss my cat and some weird things and people and im still having crazy dreams, last night i drowned a chinese lady in a swimming pool for calling me a muzungu in my dream.
i think thats all for now... peace

eh..

2008-07-29T01:58:00.000-07:00

so im feeling a little sick today. yuck!
another bus ride yesterday. Deus had someones kid on his lap and it threw up chai biscuits on us. overall a fun busride though as most of the time i stuck my head out the window and stared at people and got yelled at and had little kids run after me a lot Deus said some little kids even told me they wanted my underwear...hmm...
at any rate sticking my head out there on all the dirt roads has made my hair so thick with dirt i can no longer run my fingers nor comb through it. not that i think i even packed a comb.

I stayed last night at Deus's aunts home which has no lights and a dirt floor. I shared a bed with one of his cousins, a 20 something girl who, in the middle of the night, suddenly grabbed me and started cuddeling before becoming coherent enough to realize what was happening and return to her side of the bed. We did however continue to share a pillow for most of the night.
today we go to GOMBE. expensive as hell but i'm stoked. its the only place to see chimps in Tanzania and for those who don't know, the place where Jane Goodall did all her research.
We are in the town of Kigoma which is where Deus grew up and we will be here a week. I'm trying to think of other news but its hard because I really need to pee..
My drug and alcohol project is changing but of course I never sit down and work on it, frustrating!
my schedule is quite confusing. i'm hopefully meeting some kids from the U.S. soon and hopefully not the college bound snooty type. oh snoots.
my swahili is coming along better now (although i was reminded of how limited it was yesterday as Deus's aunt and cousins speak no english and i was left alone at their house) and my smoking has ceased. karlos emailed me which was pretty cool too and my parents sent me some sunflower seeds and time magazines in the mail.... i carried the magazines around for like three days without end, hardly looking up. i'll have to get a subscription when i get back. I'm trying to decide where i want to live when im back and perhaps for a time i'll have to live with my parents but i'd like to do some traveling in the U.S. or get a place. anyone interested?

photos!

2008-07-25T08:31:00.000-07:00

the ugly trash eating bird, really very terrifying when they fly around above your head

a much prettier bird, i think my aunt jane would love tanzania, so many amazing birds
something i was attracted to naturally, why is there always hanging barbies in third world countries i go to?
mama and baby baboon, baboons are really quite characters and their young get a lift by hanging onto the moms rump

bibi sleeping outside in the afternoon

me meandering about, this is between the houses where all the cooking is done and most of the day is spent

from the left deus's aunt elizabeth, me elizabeths daughter Dia, Simon, Kosovo (nickname) his cousins, then in the first row from the left his cousin also elizabeth, and two people who i dont know but happened to be around that day, the girl in the red also has one child named stanley, very cute
my behind down at the shoreline right before we ran into the theif
notice the elephant?! my first "safari" as americans know the word
me and Dia! she quite likes me but maybe because I am a strange muzungu and also a pushover

certainly theres lots more but for now they'll sit on my photobucket and rot. some bad events lately, a fire next door to Deus's bibis broke out while we were having ugali for lunch, everyone in town ran over and a man emerged bleeding from the head who proceeded to scream at and taunt the firemen for arriving so late, the firemen then sprayed him down with the hose, getting quite a few other people wet and starting a little stampede i got caught up in. who thought that was the kind of stampede i'd see in afrika.. also Deus's aunt is still sick and still pregnant, all yesterday she threw up and cried and eventually we all went to the hospital but i couldn't pick up what was wrong because my swahili isn't good enough but it isn't just malaria anymore. i met with my swahili teacher today and i like her so much, compared to the first guy i met with who's every other word was "isn't it?" like "Deus nows where my office is, isn't it?" or every word he wrote on the board, "now this is mambo isn't it? and it means hello isn't it?" and id just go mhmm.. and he'd say "no say yes" so im going yes yes yes yesyeyssyes getting absolutely stressed out and left after one day with quite a bit of guilt as he told me he fasted the day before so that he might help me through god to help others in america know swahili. dear god. tomorrow we are starting our safari to kigome and GOMBE!!! how exciting, although expensive, but it means i get to get up close and personal with chimps. and its a good break from the stress of decieding how i want to do my volunteer work!!! what will be effective, what am i comfortable with, what do i really want to do???? god.
oh and a light bulb moment i had the other day... im not staying for six months.. but FOUR. i never actually sat down and counted, ha! somehow the knowledge improved my mood greatly and i have been enjoying my trip lately. i feel certain at the moment that i will remain throughout the whole time although i still hope smitty visits me
enough for now
baadaye

dancing & driving, cow legs & crab eyes

2008-07-21T02:20:00.000-07:00

ah where to start. quite a bit going on. i seem to have untangled myself from the grasps of alcohol... finally. quite simply i dont like drinking one bit at the moment. unfortunately its customary to buy your guest a beer here. ive been turning that down and drinking a lot of fanta. also ive been driving peoples cars... yep me a designated driver. who would have thunk it.
i went to the club as well which i have been trying to avoid. thankfully for me there was other muzungus there so i didnt feel quite so silly. I had a big row with Deus that night though because we were staying in a hotel with one little tiny bed and he was really drunk and I said I wasn't comfortable sleeping in it together and I was going to sleep on the floor and he pouted and pouted about what kind of guy I took him as and how it wasnt acceptable that his guest sleep on the floor blah blah blah making a big deal saying he was going to leave. it ended with me getting the bed to myself and him being to drunk to realize i laid out all the couch cushion like a bed so sleeping on this little maybe 4 foot long wooden couch without any cushions on it. another reason not to like drinking.. straight dumb.
the next me and bibi and mamandogo went to the market... and i decided to never eat a hamburger again. we stopped in the butcher shop and among all the other horrendous things like blood splattered walls, a huge tree stump covered in curdling fat and bone, rotting skin hanging from the door and huge slabs of fatty meat on hooks covered in flies with a man wielding a huge machete on them was......... four cow legs. absolutely horrifying. from the knee down, sitting all neatly placed so that the bone and guts were exposed to me, slowly turning gray and rotting. it would have made a great picture.. but it also made me want to vomit.
we left there though and got really good pineapple juice, freshly squeezed while bibi yelled at the waitress about something. shes always cranky.
then that night me and deus, agnes, shebanon and kay (his friends) went to this beach not far from here that was absolutely gorgeous. its got huge rock formations in every direction with little islands around the area. you can climb all over and theres amazing lizards and birds and mammals. i saw 8 pimbe which are these small little creatures, looking kind of like rabbits or something and that move very quickly. also some of the more standard lizards, which include ones about a foot long with their front half being bright red and their back being bright purple and ones I'd never seen before that were at least two feet long and looked like very large iguanas that upon seeing me hopped into the water and swam off, Deus said they were like alligators but smaller, although i forget the name, something with an "m". I also found a dead lizard and lots of dead crabs one of whoms eyeballs i took because it was just really cool. I think all of Deus's friends thought I was weird, they sat around drinking and I was off climbing up and down rocks in the distance.
today i spent the morning in the hospital as Deus's aunt has malaria and had to go for medicine. I'm pretty concerned as she's very very pregnant and ive read bad malaria can cause miscarriage. and then on the walk here I was proposed to, I believe, by a man about the age of 40.. yuck.
thats it folks.

oh the phone.

2008-07-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

i hate Deus's phone. it never leaves his ear. oddly it is not rude here to talk on your phone during a meeting, performance, conversation, while im asleep in bed next to you or throughout an entire meal. its worse than my mom, i never get a word in. ive taken up wearing ear plugs!
on another note yesterday was good. we visited two schools and i had to talk in front of several hundred students which was hard becuase everyone else does their speeches in Swahili so i dont really know what were talking about or what appropriate to say, normally just 'my name is stephanie, im from CA, America. I just finished secondary school so this is my first time travelling. I have been in Tanzania for two weeks. I am a new Roots and Shoots volunteer. thank you for inviting me to your school' needless to say it didnt really excite anyone but at least I didnt get scared about speaking publicly.
none of my mail from my parents has come. sort of worrisome. neither has an email from Jody who i really need to help me with the drug and alcohal program I'm hoping to start soon.
the program will look like this: we are going to find 20 kids, who are out of school and work and using drugs and offer them chances to do work or school or learn skills and ways to keep them busy and hold meetings with all of them, basically counseling where I can pull out what knowledge I have about drug and alcohal counseling (bargaining, triggers, etc). I dont know how well it will work and I need some help. especially in understanding the drug problem and culture here.....
we went to this theater group thing yesterday, it was taking place in a dusty dirt floored luthern church and all these people would put on two person dramas about AIDS or discrimmination abuse etc, very dramatic, lots of fake crying but i thought it was good. it helped that this woman sat by my side and translated for me. I thought it was a cool group though. the kids were really good actors from what i could tell. i got some pictures with them and lots of videos. some of them rapped or sang after and these two guys even did a sparring match in karate and backflips and stuff... pretty cool. i got a video of most of that.
other than that ive been a little homesick, having very crazy dreams and according to several people sleep talking quite a bit which is new.. and annoying. but what can you do

the long safari

2008-07-14T00:07:00.000-07:00

so the trip that was to take 14 hours... took 31. the bus ride was quite crazy, some hightlights: the back of the bus went so fast over the big bumps and holes in the road that something happened with our back axle and we had to stop and repair it, actually we bumped so much i almost sporadically started crying, i was at the second to last row and every few seconds the bus driver would go over a bump and everyone would fly into the air and then come down really hard on their butt and then do it over and over again, my tailbone hurt very bad and when i finally got to stand up my butt felt like it was reinflating, then there was a big fight over a girl and these two men pushing each other around into everyone and a old woman hitting someone on the head with a water bottle, there was lots of crying babies and one very fat man directly behind me who was quite ill and passed out and drolled allover his face and neck and was very sweaty and pee'd his pants and had a fever and it took about 20 minutes to wake him up. then there was apparently a new law that went into effect the day before we traveled that buses couldn't run after midnight so we had to sleep in the bus in a very small town. African Texas Chainsaw Massacre style. there was one creepy Arab guy who kept staring at me at dinner and walking past slowly. then i had a very genious idea to put the hood of my coat on the head of the seat in front of me and my arms in the sleeves so it created a little craddle for my head, this worked quite well except i was asleep while we went over lots of bumps and consequently i woke up with really bad rug burn on my forehead. i was also extremely dirty and when i got home last night the water wasn't working nor was the power. we borrowed some water from the neighbors and used the keronsine stove to heat the water though so i took a very nice shower. im reading the biography of Jane Goodall now. I didn't know she was British. I hope Zach hasn't moved because I adressed his letter yesterday. Not much else is new. I'm getting really frustrated with myself for not learning Swahili very fast. I can listen to conversations and understand what is being said sometimes though, but I don't speak enough to be good at all. It's a bad situation because Deus can speak English to me and Swahili for me but I'm hoping he will speak more Swahili to me soon. Plus after these next few weeks I won't be traveling so much and can get a tutor. I ate five of bibis cakes for breakfast. I need to learn how to say, thanks thats enough, very soon. Did I mention all the wild animals I've seen? lion, hippos, zebras, wilderbeast (which Deus cannot say), birds, monkeys, baboons, and elephants. oh and giraffee! i got a good video of the baboons. the babies are very funny, they sit on top of the moms bum with their arms wrapped around the base of her tail and get a ride. Also I talked to a theif. A really crude man. He grabbed my arm outside the hotel I was at while Deus was inside and I was out fetching dinner and he kept talking to me and when I said I was going after he started asking about visiting me in Musoma and California he started saying pretty awful stuff. I know how to say piss off in Swahili but for some reason didn't use it. I am pretty happy that I haven't taken many pictures for some reason.. although I do catch myself saying God that would make an awesome photo in my head a lot. I'm smoking cigarettes which is frustrating. Also I'm getting really mad at Deus because he's always telling me I can't quit. and I'm just like, SHUT UP. plus he has this bad habit of coming in and trying to start a long conversation with me as I'm lying down to sleep and of staring at me and not saying anything which just bugs me for some reason. today I am getting a work permit and have to pay the fees. I need to go to the bank now. I'm spending too much money, but just because we have been traveling mainly. more later probably

of mosquitoes and men

2008-07-11T00:18:00.000-07:00

i dont think thats spelled correctly is it?^^
not too much is new. i have 33 mosquito bites right now. i circled them all with a purple pen so that i look down right sickly. we are in Dar Es Salaam right now and at 11 we are taking a bus to the beach to spend the day. then tomorrow we will wake up early and start a two day bus ride back to musoma. i cant say im looking forward to it. we have to go around the big national parks that lie directly in our path (so i dont have to pay the fees) so it will take some time. ive been having a lot of really crazy dreams and Deus tells me I talk a lot in my sleep. I'm eating too much food here, theres lots of pastries and sweets. I had four donughts yesterday, although they are different from the ones at home. Me and Deus were talking about what kind of project would be good for me to start and I am thinking I will maybe do drug and alcohal counseling because its something I know well and can get resources for and that there isnt a program for yet. I'm excited about it. Alot of the other projects like bushmeat or recycling or something I would have been really excited to do when I was like 12 but for some reason am not excited by at all anymore. As soon as I get back to Musoma and find my envelopes I'm going to mail some letters... okay actually I think just one to Zach but everyone should email me. I had a dream that I came back to the U.S. and everyone got Tonitas tatoos and tatoos of watchs that were always pointing to burrito time. If anyone takes this idea and makes it a reality please do and then send me a picture. You know what I've decided I like about Africa.. that everyone looks like they got dressed at the bins at goodwill. I don't think I'd like Europe, from what I saw of the Netherlands, everyone has skinny jeans and well matched outfits, considering my wardrobe is rather hodge podge I fit in pretty well here, except for the whole being blatantly whiter than everyone but the albinoes part. I think im doing a project to help albinoes too, people think they are lucky here so they kill them and take their body parts. Its pretty awful.
Deus has been talking about me getting a phone lately but I'm not sure I want. Its kind of nice to not have some things, like phones and (most of the time) mirrors. plus who would i talk to?
i hope everyone in CA is doing something awesome.

meh

2008-07-08T23:53:00.000-07:00

the past few days i havent been feeling that good. i met some students from this high tech self directed high school in san diego. the kind bill gates wants to impliment across amerika. i was really jealous of their school. its kind of like unschooling but with more rescources...which of course i would have loved. i think they all looked down on and me and felt i was stupid. i really wanted to come home the last few days and then realized i have nothing to come home to so i made up a little story in my head about what my life will look like when i get back that is completely unrealistic and im happy again.

culture differences

2008-07-05T07:26:00.001-07:00

some things here are very different...
a few days ago we went to the market by the lake shore and all of the sudden an angry crowd formed around a man, he hopped into the lake and started shouting back at everyone, someone hopped up on a boat near him with a big rock aimed at his head. he escaped by swimming to another shore further away. Deus said he was a theif that stole lumber and if they'd caught him they would have beat and maybe killed him. We were actually filming something at the time so Deus got the incident on video. I asked him what the man was saying and he said "please don't kill me ... if you're going to kill me please just do it now, get it over with"
i was glad he got away.
also here it is not rude (at least not that rude) to run around calling me a white person. the word for white person is muzungu (moo-zoo-n-goo) and everywhere i walk, especially in more rural areas children yell at me, muzungu, muzungu and wave. one little girl was walking past and she stopped right behind me and stared for a very long time. eventually i turned around and pretended i was taking her picture and she left. yesterday there was a little girl not even two years old I'd think with a cute little beanie saying muzungu in the cutest little baby voice ever. I almost melted. I don't know why but I find the term really funny so I walk around laughing whenever I hear it. I think because I don't expect to get so much attention for my skin color.For now its funny but it might get old..
also I noticed that gender here dictates a lot of what you do. the woman cook all the food and yet they sit outside on the ground to eat while the men eat inside. I asked Deus why they eat seperate and since sometimes what is he says is a bit blunt do to translation differences he answered "tradition.. and it makes the men feel powerful". He is interested in doing womens groups and yet he told me he slapped his ex-girlfriend when she came to visit so hard her nose bled. I don't think he sees any irony in this.
Another note on children, some of the smaller children are afraid of me because they aren't used to white people. At Deus's bibis house there is a small boy named Stan who everyone thinks is funny to set on my lap because he cries so much. I think maybe another month and he will come around. Also when we took the bus I noticed people just pass their children around with ease. The boy next to me puking into a bag was sitting on the lap of a middle aged man he didn't know the whole time. The steps into the bus are steep and anyone near them would grab all the little kids on their way up and give them a boost. People passed off babies when they needed their hands to get their tickets out of their purse. I think trust in Tanzania is a bigger issue though. Even if you don't know someone you can tell them you'll pay them tomorrow and they are okay with that. Last night we went to the bar and I had to pay in US dollars, they said, okay just come back tomorrow and trade us for shillings. Its very different than in the US. I'm not sure if being trusting is such a good thing or if it makes you a fool but it seems to be a part of what got me here.

i knew there was a catch

2008-07-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

hate is a strong word, but darlin so is love
who sings those words

noone reads thsi huh?

how to contact me

2008-07-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

by mail:

stephanie riley
97 Mukendo Road
P.O. Box 989
Musoma - Tanzania 00255
East Africa

and by email: (im having trouble with my local email so i made a gmail)
ztephriley@gmail.com
i would prefer to get emails honestly, postage is very expensive, but I don't have a lot of my friends emails so send them to me.
also let me know what is going on in Amerika, I'm too curious

i forgot

2008-07-04T02:03:00.000-07:00

if anyone from skull collector reads this...
i dont know if you remember but deus went to one of your concerts in the cellar. he came back and told his family/friends about it and he says noone believes him because here even popular music artists cant find or afford instruments for a whole band so noone believes a bunch of kids had all their instruments. they think he made it up.
something to appreciate

long day

2008-07-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

today i spent 13 hours on various buses. for most of it i had a grown man more or less sitting in my lap, with a young boy puking into a bag in the seat next to me, a lady fainting behind me and people so stuffed they are standing on the seats. i had to pay the muzungu price to go through some of the national parks, even though we were just passing through quickly on the bus, so what cost everyone else on the bus 3 dollars cost me 120. the price of being american. i did see a lioness and hippos and a lot alot of zebras though. i also got to take my second shower, another bucket shower but still very nice. I am in Arusha now, me and Deus are staying here for a few days to meet with some students from CA, exciting. I have too many mosquito bites and I am always itchy, otherwise good.

not much to come

2008-07-02T00:18:00.000-07:00

keeping a blog is too much work through internet cafe. im trying to get used to the food here. yesterday i pulled the heads off little fishs and ate beef. i refused to eat the fishs. i gutted a big one too. all very gross. its okay though, im trying. lots of ugali and bananas. id say im dirtier than karlos now. showers involve buckets of water too.
i hope everyone is well. i had a dream i came home to visit last night.
also im hopping all the buchon inside jokes wash off me soon. there is a guy wearing a dale earnhartt jr. shirt.... i keep laughing at him. also lots of knux in afrika. ill try and send people mail soon but stamps are 800 tsh, which is like almost a dollar.

AHH

2008-06-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

I'm here. I spent the day on the beach of the lake. two dudes made me buy them beers. I am going for dinner now. my stomache ache is killing me. I really should have learned more swahili. I cannot figure out these toliets here, you squat and theres buckets and hoses involved. I don't have much time but I am keeping a journal of what I'm doing if anyones interested. My layover in Amsterdam was interesting.... I found the red light district and hung out with some kids from Oregeon. I drank a couple beers and got really confused. fell asleep and drooled all over myself.
tanzania is very busy. my airplane landed in a dirt feild! a little bit scary...
ok...
more later hopefully

edit/delete

2008-06-26T00:43:00.001-07:00

i deleted my flickr and both my yahoo emails. having four email accounts was ridiculous. i now have one to direct spam too and one for people i know.
so hopefully whoever wants to email knows this blog exsists and does so at:

stephriley@calinet.com

photos im bringing

2008-06-25T18:34:00.000-07:00

woah, i live here
my godparents, my friends, and my aunt and grandma from ohio
my aunt uncle and nephew, my grandparents and a really horrible photo of me with someones baby that really just didnt need to be seen
nephew, bro-ther

2008-06-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

aww im going to miss rodi. if anyone has an email for her they should let me know

i didnt mean to look ultra creepy with my cat either... it just happens
i woke my dad up to take the top two pictures, he wasn't that happy about it

blah-ging

2008-06-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

blogging is confusing. i accidentely made two blogs and then spent forever trying to delete one. im kind of trying to think about who im going to give this blog adress to and what that means i can write in here. i thought it would be funny to write down some of my expectations for tanzania so even if i forget i have this blog while im there i can come back in six months and laugh at how wrong i was about stuff. I'll be staying with Deus Cosmos, who i met while he was visiting California. I asked him what differed from what he expected about America and what he found and he said he expected there would be no open spaces, everything would be paved. which is a funny expectation. i dont know that i expect very much. he said musoma is about the size of SLO but i picture it being dustier and livelier. I can picture myself going to a club and being really uncomfortable and out of place, or playing soccer in a feild with Deus and his friends in the evening and getting bit by mosquitos and me being really bad at soccer. He says they're going to throw a party for me when I come and I can picture ...i dont know.. twenty people standing around with a little bbq cooking me some sort of meat and my swahili being embarrisingly bad. I expect I'll end up eating meat because it isn't such a big deal to me that I would alienate myself or offend someone by not eating it. I expect I'll get sick and that I'll forget about the water and brush my teeth with it a few times. In Gautemala I took a lot of stupid risks with the water, and sometimes I just didn't even think about what I was doing. I can't really picture myself working a job or washing my own clothes down in the river. I can picture Deus living in a small house with white walls, drinking a beer at night and I can picture a bunch of 50 year old tourists and me being hasseled every time I go to the market by the vendors. I really hope I'm not hasseled by the vendors for six months, dear god. really i dont know what to expect, i guess i can expect to see giraffes and hippos and elaphants and maybe lions and to see mt. kilimanjaro and to run out of sunscreen and get a few bad sunburns.
it is really frustrating for the past two weeks all i hear is:
where are you going? oh really, are you excited?
normally i say yes even though its not like i feel super excited, it feels like im not even leaving for six months and then they ask
oh, so what are you doing there?
really, for how long? SIX MONTHS?? oh jeez
yes! im going for six months!
actually normally i just say, well i can change my plane ticket and come home early if i want to for 50 bucks. i really do consider that a great option but considering we've spent all told about 3000 getting me there with all my supplies i dont really want to come home early, what a horrible waste. of course if i need to i wont let that stop me...
i cant seem to think of anything ive done for six months, what an incredibely long amount of time. i imagine ill come back and be tan and be all different and maybe more mature and it will be really interesting to see where people are in their lives.
im kind of nervous. there is always a lot to worry about, but i read the most likely way to die when visiting tanzania is in an automobile accident. i mean i can believe it when you consider what reckless drivers people are in a lot of other countries (passing on narrow, windy roads at high speeds type stuff) but I'm not really too worried about that. i don't think im going to die, although I am afraid of: HIV, malaria, being eaten alive every night by mosquitos, being really uncomfortable/out of place, not getting along with Deus since he is so extroverted and gregarious, drinking too much to deal with feeling uncomfortable, not being understood that well because of language differences, making a fool of myself a lot, being homesick, being judged as a stuck-up american, missing american conveinces (washing machines, subway sandwhiches, shit like that), the heat being unbearable, skin cancer from tons of sunburns, getting really painfully sick with the flu or something and not having my mom around or the comfort of my own toliet to puke in or a good doctor nearby, im going to be overwhelmed by all the people i have to keep in contact with and do a bad job of writing to everyone (oh well they can just read my blog), probably fears im forgetting, and that i will come back and be so opened up to a new way of life that ill have trouble adjusting back to a passive american life and not really giving a shit about anybody or helping out, like i wont just be able to sit on the couch and enjoy my friends because half my mind will be over there thinking about how priveleged I am to be able to do nothing. its almost like im afraid to be woken up. but im also afraid to be woken up, come back and let myself fall back asleep. its complicated.
whatever, my papa gave me some money for the trip today. i have 3000 dollars of my own, my lifes saving. im going to be broke when i come back. ive whittled down everything i own so that it all fits in an oak chest you could keep at the foot of your bed except for my stereo and keyboard that is. theres so much to do and yet im spending much of my last days doing nothing!
this is enough..
if anyone reads this........... you just wasted ten minutes :)

first post ever

2008-06-23T18:55:00.001-07:00

im leaving on thursday. my rooms all empty. my disposable camera is almost all filled up. eek!